Miscellaneous Jokes Page 8

A beggar approached a businessman on the street. "Sir, will you give me a quarter for a sandwich?" The businessman put down his Wall Street Journal and said, "Maybe, let me see the sandwich first."

Two old men, Hector and Smitty, were sitting at a bar. Hector moans, "I wish I were dead." To which Smitty replies, "If only I felt that good."

The nightclub comic was being harassed by a heckler all night. Finally, in exasperation the comic shouted out, "When your I.Q. reaches 28, sell!"

A salesman was bemoaning his assignment to a remote territory. "Now, now," his supervisor was saying, "that place isn't the end of the world." "Maybe not," the salesman said, "but you can just about see it from there."

I hope life isn't a big joke, because I don't get it.

If I ever get real rich, I hoe I'm not real mean to poor people, like I am now.

Children need encouragement. So if a kid gets an answer right, tell him it was a lucky guess. That way, he develops a good, lucky feeling.

I think that a hat which has a little cannon that fires and then goes back inside the hat is at least a decade away.

If you're an archeologist, I bet it's real embarrassing to put together a skull from a bunch of ancient bone fragments, but then it turns out it's not a skull but just an old dried-out potato.

If you ever reach total enlightenment while you're drinking a beer, I bet it makes beer shoot out your nose.

When I was a child, there were times when we had to entertain ourselves. And usually the best way to do that was to turn on the TV.

It's easy to sit there and say you'd like to have more money. And I guess that's what I like about it. It's easy. Just sitting there, rocking back and forth, wanting that money.

Is there anything more beautiful than a beautiful, beautiful flamingo, flying across in front of a beautiful sunset? And he's carrying a beautiful rose in his beak, and also he's carrying a very beautiful painting with his feet. And also, you're drunk.

It's probably not a good idea to be chewing on a toothpick if you're talking to the president, because what if he tells a funny joke and you laugh so hard you spit the toothpick out and it hits him in the face or something.