Miscellaneous Jokes Page 7
My wife's a terrific housekeeper. I dirty a plate, she washes
it immediately. I'm ready to drop a cigar ash on the floor, she
has it picked up before it even drops. The other night, I got
up a three a.m. to get a glass of juice. I came back, and the
bed already had been made.|
The sign in front of a New Hampshire church proclaimed, "If
you're tired of sin, come in." Underneath it, someone had
scrawled in lipstick, "If you're not, call Marie at 624-8971."
Two young women were watching a TV show on the French
Revolution. "There's one thing that puzzles me," one of the
women said. "If they were so poor, how could they afford all of
that antique furniture?"
Two men were camping when suddenly a ferocious bear appeared.
They began running as fast as they could with the hungry bear in
hot pursuit. "It's no use," said one, panting. "We'll never be
able to outrun the bear." "So who's trying to outrun the
bear?" the other asked.
The circus leader was upset at the thought that his human
cannonball act would have to be scrapped. It seems the aging
performer was losing his nerve in the act. He came to the boss
and said, "I don't think I am up to being shot out of a cannon
twice a day any more." "But you can't leave me," his boss
replied. "Where will I ever find another man of your caliber?"
A man had to take a psychological test for a job he was
applying for. The psychologist drew a circle and asked, "What
does this remind you of?" The man thought for a moment and
replied, "Sex." The psychologist drew a triangle and asked the
same question. Again the applicant answered, "Sex." "And what
about this?" asked the psychologist, drawing a square. "Sex,"
was the man's answer. "Well," the psychologist said to him,
"you certainly seem to be obsessed with sex." "What do you
mean I'M obsessed with sex?" the man exclaimed. "You're the one
drawing all the dirty pictures!"
The deli owner was being robbed. "Gimme all your money!" the
thug demanded. "For here or to go?" the deli man asked.
"A fool can ask more questions than a wise man can answer,"
quoted the professor. "Maybe that's why we all flunked your
last test," came an anonymous retort from the lecture hall.
Two tourists, a Pole and Czechoslovakian, were visiting
Yellowstone National Park. Their first night, two huge bears
wandered into their campsite and ate the two hapless tourists.
The park rangers set out immediately to find these killer bears.
Finally, they cornered two bears, a male and a female, which
they thought might have been responsible. "What do you think we
ought to do with them?" asked the first ranger. "Well," the
second ranger replied, "I figure we should cut the bears open.
If we find the people inside, we know we've got our killer
bears." Whereupon, the first ranger began to cut the female
bear, and sure enough he found the remains of the Pole. "Any
luck?" he called out to his partner. "Yep," said the other.
"The Czech is in the male."
"How are things going, Charlie?" asked his friend. "Not so
good. My brother is very ill and in the hospital." "Your
brother is fine," his friend replies. "I just finished an
internship with a famous healer and I realize now that all
illness is mental. Your brother just thinks he is sick." A
few weeks past and Charlie and the faith healer met up again.
"So how's your brother doing?" the spiritualist asked. "Much
worse," Charlie moans, "he thinks he's dead."
Ma and Pa were driving their pick-up back from market when Ma
said, "Pa, remember how years ago we used to snuggle up close
whenever we were driving?" "Well," Pa said, "I ain't moved."
Overheard at the bar: "I make it a point never to drink
anything stronger than pop. Of course, pop used to drink only
A fellow from the South was returning from a two week camping
trip in New England. The gentleman seated next to him on the
plane was a native of Vermont. The two began discussing the
rewards of being in the great outdoors. "So did you enjoy the
wonderful scent of the pine forests?" asked the New Englander.
"Oh yes!" replied the southerner. "And the lakes are so
beautiful. I couldn't resist fishing a bit -- even though the
fishing season hadn't opened yet. And you know, I've got a
hundred pounds of the most incredible rock bass you ever saw
packed in ice in the baggage compartment. So tell me, who are
you and what do you do?" "I'm John Andrews, the state game
warden. Who are you?" he said. "Oh, me?" said the southerner,
"I'm the biggest damned liar in the country!"
The teacher had asked her fourth grade class to pick the nine
greatest Americans. All the children had handed in their papers
except for Tommy, who was still puzzling over it. "Are you
having trouble?" she asked. "It's all done," he replied, "only
I still need a first baseman."
An attorney and a priest both died at the same time, and both
went up to heaven. When they arrived, there was a huge fanfare
for the attorney, complete with marching bands, speeches, ticker
tape and a key to heaven. In the commotion, the
all-but-forgotten priest was nearly trampled. When the
hullabaloo was over, the priest said to St. Peter, "I have
served God all my life and dedicated myself to the salvation of
mankind, yet you completely ignored me and gave a great welcome
to some attorney." St. Peter replied, "We've got thousands of
priests up here. But this was our very first attorney."
A woman visited a psychiatrist. "It's about my husband," she
said. "He thinks he's a refrigerator." "Well, that's not too
bad," the psychiatrist told her. "At least it's harmless."
"Maybe so," the lady told him, "but he sleeps with his mouth
open and the light keeps me awake."
The entire family had gathered for the Thanksgiving feast, and
all eagerly awaited the meal as the smells wafted from the
kitchen. Finally, grandma carried the huge turkey into the
dining room, but as she did so, she tripped on the carpet and
the turkey rolled end over end off the platter and onto the
floor. Everyone was too stunned to speak. Everyone but
grandpa. "Louise," he said. "Why don't you take that turkey
back into the kitchen and bring out the OTHER ONE."
Two boys were bragging about their fathers. "My dad is in
charge of an office where there are 25 people working."
"That's nothing," scoffed the other. "My dad has five hundred
people under him." "Really? What does he do?" "He mows the
lawn at the cemetery."
"Mommy, mommy, I hate my sister's guts." "Shut up and eat
what's put in front of you."
The psychiatrist looked at the asylum patient and said, "I've
got some good news for you. After a thorough examination, I
have decided you are cured." "That's terrible," the patient
replied. "Two years ago, when I got here, I was Napoleon.
Today, I'm a nobody!"
A man was being blindfolded as he stood before the firing
squad. "Cigarette?" one of the guards offered. "No thanks,"
the prisoner said, "I'm trying to quit."
A man was going through a sportscoat he hadn't worn in twenty
years when he discovered an old shoe repair ticket. On a whim,
he decided to pay the shoemaker a visit on the off chance that
he still had the shoes. "Yep," the shoemaker said. "I got
'em." "Great," said the man. "Can you get them for me?"
"I'm sorry," said the shoemaker, "they won't be ready until
An elderly couple went to a doctor and said, "Doctor we would
like to know if we are making love properly. Will you watch us,
please?" The doctor, somewhat puzzled, replied, "Go ahead," so
they did. After observing them, the doctor said, "You're making
love perfectly. That will be twenty dollars." They came back
four weeks in a row and did the same thing. On the fifth visit
the doctor said, "Why do you keep on coming back? I told you
you're making love properly." The old man explained, "She
can't come to my house, I can't go to her house. You charge us
twenty dollars, the motel would cost us forty dollars and this
way we get sixteen dollars back from Medicare."
A western supposedly taking place during the 1800's was being
filmed in a small Nevada town. It seemed that each time a scene
was shot, it had to be re-shot because of a plane flying
overhead, a car going by, or some such disturbance that would
spoil the mood. "Hey," cried a tourist who had been watching
the proceedings, "why in the heck are you shooting the same
scene over and over?" "Sir," said the director politely, "have
you ever stopped to think how many movie theaters there are in
One day two golfers were playing on a course situated along a
highway. On the tenth green, they noticed a funeral procession
traveling toward them. As the procession approached, one
golfer, who was in full swing, stopped, removed his hat and held
it next to his heart. His partner, who was very impressed by
this action, remarked, "Gee, George, that was really respectful.
You're quite a gentleman! " George replied, "Oh, not really.
She was a great wife for thirty years."
Joe Frisco, the stuttering comedian, was being interviewed by
a reporter. "Have you stuttered all your life?" the reporter
asked. "N-n-not yet," was Joe's reply.
The psychiatrist was sitting at the bar, despondent. A fellow
psychiatrist happened over and said, "George, what's bothering
you?" George looked up from his drink and said, "You remember
that rich nut I've been treating for twenty years, the one who's
been my bread and butter from the start?" "You mean the one
who dreams every night that he's still in high school?" "Yes,"
George sighed. "Yesterday he graduated."
Young Nero's mother watched with some pain as her son
struggled to learn the violin. "As a violinist," she sighed to
a neighbor, "he won't set the world on fire."
Father Kowalski and Monsignor O'Reilly were having their
weekly golf match. "Damn it, missed again!" Father Kowalski
shouted, as he missed an easy putt. "Father!" the Monsignor
said sternly. "That is no language to be using! You are a man
of God." Father Kowalski apologized profusely, but on the very
next shot he again shouted, "Damn it, missed again!" Again the
Monsignor expressed shock and disappointment, and again the
priest promised. But sure enough, the same thing happened
another time. This time, Father Kowalski was beside himself
with remorse. "Monsignor," he pledged, "may God strike me down
if I take His name in vain one more time." But sure enough, on
the next shot the priest forgot himself. A bolt of lightning
came down from the sky and hit the Monsignor. And from the
heavens, came a thundering voice, "Damn it, missed again!"
It's hard to find a doctor as honest as the one we heard about
recently. On the death certificate, under "cause of death," he
signed his name.
A captain, stationed in Europe, had just received a postcard
from his fiancee showing several couples enjoying themselves on
the beach while his fiancee was lying on the sand looking lonely
and forlorn. The enclosed letter explained to him how she was
counting the days until his return. The captain proudly
displayed the picture to all his buddies showing them how much
his fiancee really missed him. Later that night, he was showing
it to another friend. "You know Tom," he said, "I'm beginning
to wonder who took that picture."
Is that an expensive restaurant? Let's put it this way. If
you find a pearl in the oyster, you break even.
Senator Theodore Green, who served in the Senate past his
ninety-third birthday, was once asked how it felt to be that
old. "It feels great," he replied, "considering the
A summer resident in a tiny Maine town approached an oldtimer
who was sunning himself in front of the general store. "Excuse
me," the visitor asked, "do you live here?" "Have all my
life," the old-timer said. "Well, I'm looking for a criminal
lawyer," the out-of-towner continued. "Do you have any here?"
"Well," said the elderly gent, "we're pretty sure we have, but
we can't prove it."
You have to be careful when you purchase insurance. A fellow
we know bought a group health policy a number of years ago. For
twenty years, he paid his premium faithfully and never got sick.
Finally, he needed a minor operation and figured, "At last,
I'll be able to collect." Turned out he couldn't. According to
this particular group policy, the whole group had to get sick.
The prosecutor had the beautiful blonde on the witness stand.
"Now I want you to tell the court just where you were on the
night of August 15th." "I'll tell you," she replied, "if the
judge agrees to tell where he was the same night." "What on
earth does the judge's whereabouts have to do with the case?"
the prosecutor asked. "Oh, nothing," the young woman smiled.
"But I like to hear juicy gossip as much as you do."
The Irishman awoke in a cold sweat. "What's the matter?" his
wife asked. "I had a terrible dream," he answered. "I dreamed
that the Blarney Stone had herpes."
Two psychiatrists shared the same office building for
twenty-five years. When their workday was done, Dr. Smith
inevitably looked like a beaten man. His hair was disheveled,
his eyes were bloodshot, his forehead creased. Dr. Jones, on
the other hand, always finished a day's work looking like he'd
spent the day at the Bahamas. For twenty-five years, Smith
wanted to know Jones's secret, but he would never dare ask.
Finally, after one particularly exhausting day, Smith called to
Jones as the two were leaving the building. "Dr. Jones," he
said. "There is something that has always puzzled me. A day of
being with patients always leaves me exhausted. And you? You
always look like a new man. Tell me, how can you possibly spend
all day listening to your patients' problems, complaining,
neuroses and still end up looking totally refreshed?" "So who
listens?" was Jones's reply.
A young aggressive man with a knack for selling went into a
men's clothing store and told the manager he wanted a job. "I
don't need any salesmen," said the manager. "Oh, but I'm not
just any salesman," said the young man. "I'm the world's
greatest salesman. You've got to hire me." Again the manager
refused, but the man was so insistent and persuasive that he
said, "Okay, I'll tell you what. See that suit over there on
the rack? It's sort of turquoise and mauve plaid with padded
shoulders, has pointed lapels and a belt in the back. I don't
know how I ever got stuck with it. Now I'm going to lunch. You
mind the store while I am gone. If, when I come back, the suit
is gone, you've got the job. In an hour the manager returned.
The store was in total disarray. Clothing racks were turned
over, carpeting was ripped, and glass was everywhere. But the
suit was gone. "I see you've sold the suit." "Yep, sure." "It
looks as if you had a difficult time with the customer, though."
"Nope. No trouble at all with the customer. But, oh, that
seeing eye dog!"
Mother was reminiscing about her courting days with father.
"The first time your father and I went out, I had to slap his
face three times." "You mean he got fresh, mom?" "No. I
thought he was dead."
Sally had brought home several of her girlfriends from college
for the weekend. They started to discuss behavior and its
relationship to environment when the conversation turned into
an argument. Sally's grandmother came into the kitchen.
"Girls, girls, don't worry your little heads over such trivial
matters." "But Grandma," Sally argued, "behaviorism is a very
complex and serious subject." "What are you talking about my
child. In the old country we use to say that if the baby looks
like the father, its hereditary. But, if the little one looks
like the neighbor, then that's environment."
A man walked into a psychiatrist's office. "Doctor, you've
got to help me. But first tell me how much do you charge?"
"One hundred dollars an hour," the psychiatrist replied.
"Forget it," sounded the man, "I'm not that crazy!"
The overweight fellow was confiding to his buddy. "Two years
ago, I gave up sugar and switched to artificial sweetener. Now
look at me. Artificially fat."
A man was arrested for selling money on the street. He was
selling ten dollar bills for eight dollars, twenties for
fifteen. When the police arrived and confiscated the money,
they were surprised to find that it was not counterfeit.
Puzzled, the police lieutenant questioned the man. "How can you
make a living selling ten dollar bills for eight bucks?" he
demanded. "Well sure you lose a bit on each transaction," the
man said, "but you sure make up for it in volume."
A couple was sitting reading the Sunday papers. "Dear," the
wife said, "Do you realize it took seven years to paint the
Sistine Chapel?" "Hah," the husband answered, "they must have
used the same contractor we did."
WIFE: How come you don't play golf with Charlie anymore?
HUSBAND: Would YOU play with someone who moves the ball and changes his score when no one is looking?
WIFE: Certainly not!
HUSBAND: Well, neither would Charlie.
A cannibal visited the local butcher store looking for dinner.
He saw a sign that said "Accountant's Brains, $5 a pound."
Another sign said, "Lawyer's Brains, $150 a pound." "Say," the
cannibal asked the butcher, "why are lawyer's brains so
expensive?" "Are you kidding?" the butcher shot back. "Do you
realize how many lawyers we have to kill to get a pound of
Tax season was over and Wendy's firm gave her two weeks for
her honeymoon. When she and her new husband entered the
elevator at their hotel, a man walked off and said, "Hello
darling. Nice to see you." The next several minutes neither
one spoke a word. As they entered the room, her husband broke
the silence. "Who was that man?" he demanded. "Now take it
easy," Wendy replied, "I'm going to have a hard enough time
explaining you to him."
Goldstein and Shapiro were in a delicatessen drinking tea.
"Life," Shapiro sighed, "is like a cup of tea." "Life is like
a cup of tea?" Goldstein said. "What makes life like a cup of
tea?" "How should I know?" Shapiro replied. "Am I a
The sportswriter had recently been made music critic. For his
first review, he filed the following report: "The Blank String
Quartet played Brahms last night. Brahms lost."
At a New York dental clinic (where their motto is, "Nothing
Dentured, Nothing Gained), a denture patient came in complaining
that her dentures didn't fit. So the dentists very carefully
re-cast and refit the false teeth. "There," he said, placing
them in her mouth. "How do they fit now?" "You don't
understand," she said. "I meant they didn't fit in the glass."