Miscellaneous Jokes Page 7

My wife's a terrific housekeeper. I dirty a plate, she washes it immediately. I'm ready to drop a cigar ash on the floor, she has it picked up before it even drops. The other night, I got up a three a.m. to get a glass of juice. I came back, and the bed already had been made.

The sign in front of a New Hampshire church proclaimed, "If you're tired of sin, come in." Underneath it, someone had scrawled in lipstick, "If you're not, call Marie at 624-8971."

Two young women were watching a TV show on the French Revolution. "There's one thing that puzzles me," one of the women said. "If they were so poor, how could they afford all of that antique furniture?"

Two men were camping when suddenly a ferocious bear appeared. They began running as fast as they could with the hungry bear in hot pursuit. "It's no use," said one, panting. "We'll never be able to outrun the bear." "So who's trying to outrun the bear?" the other asked.

The circus leader was upset at the thought that his human cannonball act would have to be scrapped. It seems the aging performer was losing his nerve in the act. He came to the boss and said, "I don't think I am up to being shot out of a cannon twice a day any more." "But you can't leave me," his boss replied. "Where will I ever find another man of your caliber?"

A man had to take a psychological test for a job he was applying for. The psychologist drew a circle and asked, "What does this remind you of?" The man thought for a moment and replied, "Sex." The psychologist drew a triangle and asked the same question. Again the applicant answered, "Sex." "And what about this?" asked the psychologist, drawing a square. "Sex," was the man's answer. "Well," the psychologist said to him, "you certainly seem to be obsessed with sex." "What do you mean I'M obsessed with sex?" the man exclaimed. "You're the one drawing all the dirty pictures!"

The deli owner was being robbed. "Gimme all your money!" the thug demanded. "For here or to go?" the deli man asked.

"A fool can ask more questions than a wise man can answer," quoted the professor. "Maybe that's why we all flunked your last test," came an anonymous retort from the lecture hall.

Two tourists, a Pole and Czechoslovakian, were visiting Yellowstone National Park. Their first night, two huge bears wandered into their campsite and ate the two hapless tourists. The park rangers set out immediately to find these killer bears. Finally, they cornered two bears, a male and a female, which they thought might have been responsible. "What do you think we ought to do with them?" asked the first ranger. "Well," the second ranger replied, "I figure we should cut the bears open. If we find the people inside, we know we've got our killer bears." Whereupon, the first ranger began to cut the female bear, and sure enough he found the remains of the Pole. "Any luck?" he called out to his partner. "Yep," said the other. "The Czech is in the male."

"How are things going, Charlie?" asked his friend. "Not so good. My brother is very ill and in the hospital." "Your brother is fine," his friend replies. "I just finished an internship with a famous healer and I realize now that all illness is mental. Your brother just thinks he is sick." A few weeks past and Charlie and the faith healer met up again. "So how's your brother doing?" the spiritualist asked. "Much worse," Charlie moans, "he thinks he's dead."

Ma and Pa were driving their pick-up back from market when Ma said, "Pa, remember how years ago we used to snuggle up close whenever we were driving?" "Well," Pa said, "I ain't moved."

Overheard at the bar: "I make it a point never to drink anything stronger than pop. Of course, pop used to drink only whiskey."

A fellow from the South was returning from a two week camping trip in New England. The gentleman seated next to him on the plane was a native of Vermont. The two began discussing the rewards of being in the great outdoors. "So did you enjoy the wonderful scent of the pine forests?" asked the New Englander. "Oh yes!" replied the southerner. "And the lakes are so beautiful. I couldn't resist fishing a bit -- even though the fishing season hadn't opened yet. And you know, I've got a hundred pounds of the most incredible rock bass you ever saw packed in ice in the baggage compartment. So tell me, who are you and what do you do?" "I'm John Andrews, the state game warden. Who are you?" he said. "Oh, me?" said the southerner, "I'm the biggest damned liar in the country!"

The teacher had asked her fourth grade class to pick the nine greatest Americans. All the children had handed in their papers except for Tommy, who was still puzzling over it. "Are you having trouble?" she asked. "It's all done," he replied, "only I still need a first baseman."

An attorney and a priest both died at the same time, and both went up to heaven. When they arrived, there was a huge fanfare for the attorney, complete with marching bands, speeches, ticker tape and a key to heaven. In the commotion, the all-but-forgotten priest was nearly trampled. When the hullabaloo was over, the priest said to St. Peter, "I have served God all my life and dedicated myself to the salvation of mankind, yet you completely ignored me and gave a great welcome to some attorney." St. Peter replied, "We've got thousands of priests up here. But this was our very first attorney."

A woman visited a psychiatrist. "It's about my husband," she said. "He thinks he's a refrigerator." "Well, that's not too bad," the psychiatrist told her. "At least it's harmless." "Maybe so," the lady told him, "but he sleeps with his mouth open and the light keeps me awake."

The entire family had gathered for the Thanksgiving feast, and all eagerly awaited the meal as the smells wafted from the kitchen. Finally, grandma carried the huge turkey into the dining room, but as she did so, she tripped on the carpet and the turkey rolled end over end off the platter and onto the floor. Everyone was too stunned to speak. Everyone but grandpa. "Louise," he said. "Why don't you take that turkey back into the kitchen and bring out the OTHER ONE."

Two boys were bragging about their fathers. "My dad is in charge of an office where there are 25 people working." "That's nothing," scoffed the other. "My dad has five hundred people under him." "Really? What does he do?" "He mows the lawn at the cemetery."

"Mommy, mommy, I hate my sister's guts." "Shut up and eat what's put in front of you."

The psychiatrist looked at the asylum patient and said, "I've got some good news for you. After a thorough examination, I have decided you are cured." "That's terrible," the patient replied. "Two years ago, when I got here, I was Napoleon. Today, I'm a nobody!"

A man was being blindfolded as he stood before the firing squad. "Cigarette?" one of the guards offered. "No thanks," the prisoner said, "I'm trying to quit."

A man was going through a sportscoat he hadn't worn in twenty years when he discovered an old shoe repair ticket. On a whim, he decided to pay the shoemaker a visit on the off chance that he still had the shoes. "Yep," the shoemaker said. "I got 'em." "Great," said the man. "Can you get them for me?" "I'm sorry," said the shoemaker, "they won't be ready until Tuesday."

An elderly couple went to a doctor and said, "Doctor we would like to know if we are making love properly. Will you watch us, please?" The doctor, somewhat puzzled, replied, "Go ahead," so they did. After observing them, the doctor said, "You're making love perfectly. That will be twenty dollars." They came back four weeks in a row and did the same thing. On the fifth visit the doctor said, "Why do you keep on coming back? I told you you're making love properly." The old man explained, "She can't come to my house, I can't go to her house. You charge us twenty dollars, the motel would cost us forty dollars and this way we get sixteen dollars back from Medicare."

A western supposedly taking place during the 1800's was being filmed in a small Nevada town. It seemed that each time a scene was shot, it had to be re-shot because of a plane flying overhead, a car going by, or some such disturbance that would spoil the mood. "Hey," cried a tourist who had been watching the proceedings, "why in the heck are you shooting the same scene over and over?" "Sir," said the director politely, "have you ever stopped to think how many movie theaters there are in this country?"

One day two golfers were playing on a course situated along a highway. On the tenth green, they noticed a funeral procession traveling toward them. As the procession approached, one golfer, who was in full swing, stopped, removed his hat and held it next to his heart. His partner, who was very impressed by this action, remarked, "Gee, George, that was really respectful. You're quite a gentleman! " George replied, "Oh, not really. She was a great wife for thirty years."

Joe Frisco, the stuttering comedian, was being interviewed by a reporter. "Have you stuttered all your life?" the reporter asked. "N-n-not yet," was Joe's reply.

The psychiatrist was sitting at the bar, despondent. A fellow psychiatrist happened over and said, "George, what's bothering you?" George looked up from his drink and said, "You remember that rich nut I've been treating for twenty years, the one who's been my bread and butter from the start?" "You mean the one who dreams every night that he's still in high school?" "Yes," George sighed. "Yesterday he graduated."

Young Nero's mother watched with some pain as her son struggled to learn the violin. "As a violinist," she sighed to a neighbor, "he won't set the world on fire."

Father Kowalski and Monsignor O'Reilly were having their weekly golf match. "Damn it, missed again!" Father Kowalski shouted, as he missed an easy putt. "Father!" the Monsignor said sternly. "That is no language to be using! You are a man of God." Father Kowalski apologized profusely, but on the very next shot he again shouted, "Damn it, missed again!" Again the Monsignor expressed shock and disappointment, and again the priest promised. But sure enough, the same thing happened another time. This time, Father Kowalski was beside himself with remorse. "Monsignor," he pledged, "may God strike me down if I take His name in vain one more time." But sure enough, on the next shot the priest forgot himself. A bolt of lightning came down from the sky and hit the Monsignor. And from the heavens, came a thundering voice, "Damn it, missed again!"

It's hard to find a doctor as honest as the one we heard about recently. On the death certificate, under "cause of death," he signed his name.

A captain, stationed in Europe, had just received a postcard from his fiancee showing several couples enjoying themselves on the beach while his fiancee was lying on the sand looking lonely and forlorn. The enclosed letter explained to him how she was counting the days until his return. The captain proudly displayed the picture to all his buddies showing them how much his fiancee really missed him. Later that night, he was showing it to another friend. "You know Tom," he said, "I'm beginning to wonder who took that picture."

Is that an expensive restaurant? Let's put it this way. If you find a pearl in the oyster, you break even.

Senator Theodore Green, who served in the Senate past his ninety-third birthday, was once asked how it felt to be that old. "It feels great," he replied, "considering the alternative."

A summer resident in a tiny Maine town approached an oldtimer who was sunning himself in front of the general store. "Excuse me," the visitor asked, "do you live here?" "Have all my life," the old-timer said. "Well, I'm looking for a criminal lawyer," the out-of-towner continued. "Do you have any here?" "Well," said the elderly gent, "we're pretty sure we have, but we can't prove it."

You have to be careful when you purchase insurance. A fellow we know bought a group health policy a number of years ago. For twenty years, he paid his premium faithfully and never got sick. Finally, he needed a minor operation and figured, "At last, I'll be able to collect." Turned out he couldn't. According to this particular group policy, the whole group had to get sick.

The prosecutor had the beautiful blonde on the witness stand. "Now I want you to tell the court just where you were on the night of August 15th." "I'll tell you," she replied, "if the judge agrees to tell where he was the same night." "What on earth does the judge's whereabouts have to do with the case?" the prosecutor asked. "Oh, nothing," the young woman smiled. "But I like to hear juicy gossip as much as you do."

The Irishman awoke in a cold sweat. "What's the matter?" his wife asked. "I had a terrible dream," he answered. "I dreamed that the Blarney Stone had herpes."

Two psychiatrists shared the same office building for twenty-five years. When their workday was done, Dr. Smith inevitably looked like a beaten man. His hair was disheveled, his eyes were bloodshot, his forehead creased. Dr. Jones, on the other hand, always finished a day's work looking like he'd spent the day at the Bahamas. For twenty-five years, Smith wanted to know Jones's secret, but he would never dare ask. Finally, after one particularly exhausting day, Smith called to Jones as the two were leaving the building. "Dr. Jones," he said. "There is something that has always puzzled me. A day of being with patients always leaves me exhausted. And you? You always look like a new man. Tell me, how can you possibly spend all day listening to your patients' problems, complaining, neuroses and still end up looking totally refreshed?" "So who listens?" was Jones's reply.

A young aggressive man with a knack for selling went into a men's clothing store and told the manager he wanted a job. "I don't need any salesmen," said the manager. "Oh, but I'm not just any salesman," said the young man. "I'm the world's greatest salesman. You've got to hire me." Again the manager refused, but the man was so insistent and persuasive that he said, "Okay, I'll tell you what. See that suit over there on the rack? It's sort of turquoise and mauve plaid with padded shoulders, has pointed lapels and a belt in the back. I don't know how I ever got stuck with it. Now I'm going to lunch. You mind the store while I am gone. If, when I come back, the suit is gone, you've got the job. In an hour the manager returned. The store was in total disarray. Clothing racks were turned over, carpeting was ripped, and glass was everywhere. But the suit was gone. "I see you've sold the suit." "Yep, sure." "It looks as if you had a difficult time with the customer, though." "Nope. No trouble at all with the customer. But, oh, that seeing eye dog!"

Mother was reminiscing about her courting days with father. "The first time your father and I went out, I had to slap his face three times." "You mean he got fresh, mom?" "No. I thought he was dead."

Sally had brought home several of her girlfriends from college for the weekend. They started to discuss behavior and its relationship to environment when the conversation turned into an argument. Sally's grandmother came into the kitchen. "Girls, girls, don't worry your little heads over such trivial matters." "But Grandma," Sally argued, "behaviorism is a very complex and serious subject." "What are you talking about my child. In the old country we use to say that if the baby looks like the father, its hereditary. But, if the little one looks like the neighbor, then that's environment."

A man walked into a psychiatrist's office. "Doctor, you've got to help me. But first tell me how much do you charge?" "One hundred dollars an hour," the psychiatrist replied. "Forget it," sounded the man, "I'm not that crazy!"

The overweight fellow was confiding to his buddy. "Two years ago, I gave up sugar and switched to artificial sweetener. Now look at me. Artificially fat."

A man was arrested for selling money on the street. He was selling ten dollar bills for eight dollars, twenties for fifteen. When the police arrived and confiscated the money, they were surprised to find that it was not counterfeit. Puzzled, the police lieutenant questioned the man. "How can you make a living selling ten dollar bills for eight bucks?" he demanded. "Well sure you lose a bit on each transaction," the man said, "but you sure make up for it in volume."

A couple was sitting reading the Sunday papers. "Dear," the wife said, "Do you realize it took seven years to paint the Sistine Chapel?" "Hah," the husband answered, "they must have used the same contractor we did."

WIFE: How come you don't play golf with Charlie anymore?
HUSBAND: Would YOU play with someone who moves the ball and changes his score when no one is looking?
WIFE: Certainly not!
HUSBAND: Well, neither would Charlie.

A cannibal visited the local butcher store looking for dinner. He saw a sign that said "Accountant's Brains, $5 a pound." Another sign said, "Lawyer's Brains, $150 a pound." "Say," the cannibal asked the butcher, "why are lawyer's brains so expensive?" "Are you kidding?" the butcher shot back. "Do you realize how many lawyers we have to kill to get a pound of brains?"

Tax season was over and Wendy's firm gave her two weeks for her honeymoon. When she and her new husband entered the elevator at their hotel, a man walked off and said, "Hello darling. Nice to see you." The next several minutes neither one spoke a word. As they entered the room, her husband broke the silence. "Who was that man?" he demanded. "Now take it easy," Wendy replied, "I'm going to have a hard enough time explaining you to him."

Goldstein and Shapiro were in a delicatessen drinking tea. "Life," Shapiro sighed, "is like a cup of tea." "Life is like a cup of tea?" Goldstein said. "What makes life like a cup of tea?" "How should I know?" Shapiro replied. "Am I a philosopher?"

The sportswriter had recently been made music critic. For his first review, he filed the following report: "The Blank String Quartet played Brahms last night. Brahms lost."

At a New York dental clinic (where their motto is, "Nothing Dentured, Nothing Gained), a denture patient came in complaining that her dentures didn't fit. So the dentists very carefully re-cast and refit the false teeth. "There," he said, placing them in her mouth. "How do they fit now?" "You don't understand," she said. "I meant they didn't fit in the glass."