Miscellaneous Jokes Page 6

A young man came to the circus seeking a job. Thinking he might make the boy an assistant lion tamer, the owner beckoned him to come over to the lion's cage. There, the head lion tamer, a beautiful woman, was rehearsing. She called the lion to her, and he obediently came over and licked her face. "Think you can do that?" the owner asked the young man. "I'm sure I could, sir," the boy replied, "but you'll have to get that damned lion out of there first."

The river had swollen and the dam had burst, and now the town was under ten feet of water. A rescue boat came by Rev. Smith's church, but Rev. Smith declined to get in. "The Lord will save me," he replied. An hour later, the water had risen another ten feet, and Rev. Smith was on the roof of the church. Another rescue boat came by, and again the reverend declared that the Lord would save him. Later that night, Rev. Smith clung to the roof of the church with the water up to his chest. This time a helicopter came by, but again the reverend shouted, "The Lord will save me." Unfortunately, by the next morning poor Rev. Smith had drowned. Up in heaven, he was noticeably miffed at the Lord. "Hey," he said, "I thought you were going to save me." "What are you talking about?" the Lord said. "I sent you two boats and a helicopter!"

Back in the days before agents, baseball players had to negotiate their own salaries. After one long dispute, a player and the club owner reached a compromise that was not satisfactory to either of them. "Do me a favor," said the owner after the contract was signed, "and don't tell the other fellas how much you're making." "Don't worry," said the player, "I'm just as ashamed of the salary as you are."

Julie had been a servant in the wealthy Winthrop household for several years when, realizing she was pregnant out of wedlock, confided in Mrs. Winthrop. "I'm terribly ashamed," she cried. "I will leave this household immediately." Mrs. Winthrop was shocked, but she felt very sorry for the poor girl. She thought for a moment and then responded, "I have an idea. You should have the baby in this house and we will adopt it and treat it as one of the family." Everybody was happy and life continued as normal for the Winthrops. The next year, however, Julie found herself in the same predicament. As before, Mrs. Winthrop, insisted that she stay on and that they would adopt this child as well. On the third occasion of Julie's misfortune, she once again approached her employer. "Julie, poor girl," she sighed, "what are we do with you?" "I don't thinks there's anything to be done, Mrs. Winthrop, Julie calmly said. "I'm leaving for good this time. I can't stand to work for such a large family."

A fellow had just received a promotion to a very high position in an up-and-coming firm. The person who was leaving the job handed him three envelopes, and said, "These should prove very helpful in your new position. Open them one at a time, but not until you absolutely have to." The fellow thanked the outgoing employee, and started his job. Things went smoothly for the first three months, but then a crisis struck. Maybe I'd better open that first envelope, he thought to himself. He opened it, and it read: "Blame me." So when the boss called him on the carpet for low production he said, "It's the person who had the job before me. She did such a terrible job, that it's taken me this long to get caught up." The boss nodded and sent him back to work. Three months later, another crisis--this one much worse--occurred. When the fellow opened the second envelope, it read: "Blame the economy." "Boss," he said, "the economy is so bad, it's a wonder anything gets sold." Sure enough, the boss nodded and sent him back to work. But three months later, there was another crisis so monumental, that the fellow knew it was time to open the third envelope. Anxiously, he tore it open. The paper read: "Prepare three envelopes."

My uncle works at the Post Office. Every time some one hands him a package, he says, "For me?"

One afternoon, a well-known umpire got into an argument over a balk allegedly made by the pitcher. The pitcher's manager came running out of the dugout to argue. The umpire responded by throwing his rule book on the ground shouting, "I know the rules! They're right here in this book!" "Oh yeah?" cried the manager. "If it's your book it must be written in braille."

PRISON LIBRARIAN: What are you reading?
PRISONER: Oh, nothing much. Just the usual escape literature.

"All right," the farmer said sternly to his sons. "Which one of you boys pushed over the outhouse last night?" "I cannot tell a lie," said twelve-year old Jim Bob. "I pushed it over." Whereupon the farmer put the boy over his knee and prepared to paddle his behind. "But dad," the boy protested, "when George Washington told the truth about chopping down the cherry tree, his father didn't punish him." "I know that," the father replied, "but George's father wasn't IN the cherry tree at the time."

A man needed an operation, so he went to the finest surgeon in the country. The operation was a success, and the surgeon presented his bill--$2,000. "Doctor," the patient said, "I can't afford that." "Okay," the physician said testily. "I'll reduce it to $1,500." "I can't pay that either," the man replied. After twenty minutes of haggling, the weary doctor said, "Okay, okay. Five dollars, and that's my lowest offer. But could you just tell me one thing? If you knew you had no money, why did you come to the finest and most expensive surgeon in the country?" "Because," the man replied, "when it comes to my health, money is no object."

A young woman went into a singles bar hoping to find a companion for the evening. Sure enough, she soon found herself talking to an attractive young man who agreed to leave with her. "Just one question," he said to her as they were walking out the door. "Do you have herpes?" "No, I don't," she said. "Good," he said. "I'd sure hate to get THAT again."

A guy was coming home from the bowling alley late one night, and he decided to take a short cut past the garbage dump. A shiny object caught his eye, and he picked it up. It was an old lamp, and he was surprised to find a genie who popped out as soon as he rubbed it. "I will grant you three wishes," the genie said. "What do you wish for?" "Gee, I dunno," the man said. After thinking for a few minutes, he said, "You know what I want? I want a bottle of beer that no matter how much of it you drink, it's always full." "Your wish is my command," said the genie, and he produced the bottle. "Hey, this is terrific," said the man, as he took several hefty chugs from the bottle. "Thanks a lot." "Remember," the genie said, "you still have two wishes coming." "Tell you what," said the man, thinking for a minute. "Gimme two more of these bottles."

"How was your date?" Susie's roommate inquired. "Oh, we dined royally," Susie said. "Dinner at Burger King, dessert at Dairy Queen."

A homeowner called a plumber to fix a leaky faucet. The plumber arrived and fixed the leak in about five minutes. When the plumber said the bill was fifty dollars, the woman was outraged. "Good grief," she said. "We only pay our doctor twenty-five dollars for a house call. And he usually spends fifteen or twenty minutes here." "Yes," said the plumber," I know. That was what I used to get when I was a doctor."

"How's your brother doing? Wasn't he trying for that government job?" "Oh, he isn't doing a thing." "You mean he got the job after all?"

The two mathematicians stood in front of the enormous computer, awaiting a read-out. As one of them read the print-out, he began to frown. "Do you realize," he told his colleague, "that it would take four hundred ordinary mathematicians a hundred and fifty years to make a mistake this big?"

The physician's wife confided to the maid, "I think my husband is having an affair with his receptionist." "I don't believe you," said the maid. "You're just saying that to make me jealous."

Did you hear that now even the farmers have formed a union? It's called the E.I.E.I.O.

I have enough money to last me the rest of my life--as long as I don't buy anything.

"Julia," moaned Mr. Farnsworth, "As you know I am going to die." "Oh darling, please don't say things like that," cried Mrs. Farnsworth. "It's no use. I won't be with you long. But I want you to know that you will live comfortably in my absence. My estate is worth over $500,000." "Joseph, really. Do you think I care about how much money you have. Life will have no meaning for me when you're gone. You're all I want in this world." Mrs. Farnsworth dried her eyes and said, "By the way, does that figure include our house in California?"

A cowboy raced into the saloon fuming. "All right, who's the wise guy that painted my horse green. Show your face you weasel!" From the back of the bar, a huge seven foot, three hundred pound man stands up and places his hand on his holster and says, "I was the one who painted your horse. You want to say something to me sir." The cowboy's anger suddenly turned to fear as he replied, "Yes, sir. I thought you'd like to know that the first coat is dry."

Former President Harry Truman was deer hunting with some friends one fall, but they didn't even see a deer let alone shoot one. On the second day, however, one of his partners made a discovery. "Hey, Harry," he called, pointing to some round droppings on the ground. "Looks like the buck stopped here."

"But George, this isn't our baby." "Shut up. It's a nicer stroller."

A tenderfoot went to buy a horse from a rancher. "Now this is an unusual horse," the rancher began. "You see, it was owned by this reverend. So if you want the horse to go, you have to say 'Good Lord,' and if you want him to stop you have to say 'Amen.'" The tenderfoot decided to give the horse a try, so he mounted and said, "Good Lord." The horse took off toward the mountains. The horse was so spunky that the rider forgot the instructions. Each time he yelled "Good Lord" in fear, the horse went even faster. Just as they came to the edge of a cliff, the hapless rider remembered how to stop the horse. "AMEN!" he shouted. And the horse stopped inches from the cliff. The man wiped his brow in relief, sighed at his near disaster and said, "Good Lord."

A missionary in a remote jungle outpost found himself face to face with a ferocious lion. Knowing he was doomed for certain, he kneeled down and said his prayers. To his astonishment, the lion too kneeled quietly. "This is a miracle!" the missionary shouted. "Quiet!" Said the lion. "I'm saying grace."

JIMMY: What happens when an auto is too old to run?
BOBBY: Someone sells it to my father.

The financier had just finished lunch at a Palm Springs eatery. He left a modest tip and was preparing to leave, when the waiter said, "You know, sir, your daughter always leaves a larger tip than that." "That all right for her," the financier growled. "She's got a rich father."

A judge was screening prospective jurors for a murder trial. "Have you formed any opinion regarding the guilt or innocence of the accused?" he asked Juror #1. "No, Your Honor." "And do you have any objections to imposing the death penalty if the accused is found guilty?" "Not in this case," replied the juror.

The elderly woman accidentally dropped her handkerchief as she put some coins into the beggar's cup. He gallantly stooped to pick it up. "Why you're not blind!" she exclaimed. "No," he said, "I'm working for my brother. It's his day off."

A woman seated at the movies was surprised to find sitting in the two adjacent seats a man with his arm around a sheep dog. All through the movie, she noticed the dog watching the picture with apparent understanding, snarling when the villain appeared, yelping happily at the funny parts. At the end of the movie, she tapped the man on the shoulder. "I just can't get over how much your dog enjoyed the movie," she said. "It surprises me too," the man answered. "He absolutely despised the book."

The man at the bar casually leaned over and asked a woman passing by, "Excuse me, Miss, do you have the time?" "What?" she said loudly. "How dare you make such a proposition to me!" Noticing that every eye in the place turned toward him, the man mumbled, "I just asked the time, miss." "I WILL CALL THE POLICE IF YOU SAY ANOTHER WORD!" she shrieked, even louder this time. Mortally embarrassed, the man slunk off to a corner of the bar. A few minutes later, the young woman approached him with an apology. "You'll have to excuse me," she said. "I'm writing a doctoral thesis on the response of human beings to sudden shocking statements." The man looked at her curiously, then said in his loudest voice, "YOU MEAN YOU'LL DO ALL THAT ALL NIGHT FOR JUST THREE DOLLARS?"

CUSTOMER: How much is a haircut?
BARBER: A dollar fifty.
CUSTOMER: How much is a shave?
BARBER: Sixty cents.
CUSTOMER: In that case, shave my hair off.

Two business partners, Sammy and Abe, were inseparable. One evening, they made a vow. Whichever one of them died first would try to contact the other from the spirit world. Not long after that, Sammy died. Abe was despondent, but he decided to start attending seances in the hopes of talking to his beloved partner. For months, he had no luck. Then, it happened. He was at a seance when he heard his name called, "Abe?" "Sammy," he said excitedly. "Sammy, is that you?" "Yes, Abe," the far-off voice said, "it's me." "Sammy, where are you?" Abe asked. "What are you doing?" "Well," the voice began, "I get up, have something to eat, make love all morning long. Then, it's lunch time, so I have another bite, then I make love most of the afternoon, take a nap, and it's time to eat again. I make love long into the night, and then I fall into a peaceful sleep." "Sammy!" Abe cried excitedly, "You must be in heaven!" "Heaven?" the voice sighed. "I'm a bull in Colorado."

My wife's a terrific housekeeper. I dirty a plate, she washes it immediately. I'm ready to drop a cigar ash on the floor, she has it picked up before it even drops. The other night, I got up a three a.m. to get a glass of juice. I came back, and the bed already had been made.