Miscellaneous Jokes Page 5 "I don't understand what people are complaining about these days," the barber was telling his customer. "My grandfather made a fortune, and he did it knowing only three words in English: 'Stick 'em up.'" POLICE: Can you describe the man who hit you? VICTIM: Funny, that's exactly what I was doing when he hit me. Smith and Jones, the only two judges in a small western town, had the misfortune of being arrested for speeding on the same day. Since no one else could try the cases, they decided to try each other. Smith stood trial first. "How do you plead?" Jones asked him. "Guilty," was the reply. "I hereby fine you $50," Jones ruled. They then changed places and Jones took the stand. "And how do you plead?" Smith asked his colleague. "Guilty." "These cases are becoming far too common," Smith said sternly. "This is the second case like this we've had this morning. I fine you $100 and sentence you to thirty days in jail." "You love football more than you love me!" complained the wife to her husband, who was glued to the TV set. "Sure I do," he answered, "but I love you more than basketball." At Atlantic City, the bellhops expect a tip every time you see them. A guy was in his room and asked for a deck of playing cards, so the bellhop made fifty-two trips. The minister was enjoying a drive through the country one Sunday afternoon, when he noticed a remarkably beautiful farm. Unable to contain himself, he stopped the car and strode over to the farmer who stood surveying his fields. "You and the Lord sure have a beautiful place here," the preacher said. "Wal'," drawled the farmer, "you shoulda seen it when just He had it." Harrison and Pierce were having a drink at a bar. "Pierce, did you have a little fling with my wife?" Harrison asked. "Um, well, all right, I admit it. It's true." "To be perfectly frank, Pierce, I don't like it at all." "You know, Harrison", Pierce replied, "I really can't blame you. I didn't like it myself." McGregor, O'Leary, and Lefkowitz were mourning the passing of a mutual friend. "Although I am a thrifty soul," McGregor said solemnly, "there is a legend that I have heard that if one places a wee bit of money in the casket of the deceased, it will ease passage into the next world." And so saying, he took ten dollars out of his wallet and placed it in the casket. O'Leary would not be outdone. "It seems like an unlikely custom," he said, "but why take a chance?" And he too placed a ten dollar bill in the casket. "And I'll go along with it too," Lefkowitz announced, as he wrote out a check for $30, placed it in the casket, and took the two ten dollar bills as change. A drunk staggered over to a parking meter and put in a dime. The dial went to 60. "How about that," the drunk said. "I lost a hundred pounds." Two rival opera singers chanced to meet at a party. "I had my voice insured," said one haughtily. "Oh?" said the other. "And what did you do with the money?" A doctor and his wife were walking downtown when a heavily made up young woman in a tight skirt hailed him from a doorway. "Who was that?" the wife demanded. "Oh, just a young woman I know professionally," the physician replied. "Really?" the wife said. "Yours or hers?" Two thugs were holding up a bank. After tying and gagging the manager, they led the rest of the employees into the vault. They had filled their sacks and were ready to leave, when they heard the manager thrashing around on the floor and mumbling through his gag. Lowering the gag, one of the robbers asked, "What do you want?" "Please," whispered the manager. "Take the books, too. I'm $15,000 short!" A lady walked into a Bronx butcher store and asked for a Long Island duckling. The new butcher produced a duckling from the case and begun to wrap it, when the lady said, "Let me see that for a minute." Grabbing the duck by the legs and spreading them, she sniffed the bird and announced, "This is no Long Island duckling. This is a Rhode Island duckling." The butcher produced another one, and she did the same thing. "This one," she said, "is from Connecticut! I want a Long Island duckling!" Finally, after doing the same thing with six ducklings, she said triumphantly, "Now THIS is a Long Island duckling!" As the young butcher was wrapping the bird, she said, "I'll tell you, young butchers nowadays know nothing. Where are you from anyway?" "Here lady," he said, spreading his legs. "Why don't YOU tell ME!" "Was your friend shocked by the death of his mother-in-law?" "Shocked? He was electrocuted." It was the fifth inning of an important game and the pitcher for the home team was doing rather poorly. The manager walked out to have a talk with him. The pitcher explained that he wasn't tired and was allowed to stay in the game. In the next inning, the pitcher was in trouble again, and again the manager walked out to the mound. Again, the pitcher insisted he was fine and so the manager left him in. Then a couple of innings later, the pitcher was in a real mess. When the manager got to the mound, he listened to the pitcher deny being tired. Finally, the manager motioned for a new pitcher. "Listen," he said, "maybe you're not tired, but I am!" Bridget was on her deathbed, and her husband Mike was at her side. "Mike," she said, straining to talk, "I have something to tell you." "Shhh," he said, "Save your strength." "But Mike," she insisted, "it's a confession." "There's nothing to confess," he said. "I must confess this to die in peace," Bridget said. "I've been unfaithful to you." Mike stroked her forehead. "Now Bridget, don't worry. I already know about that. Why do you think I poisoned you?" Two elderly baseball fans, in the winter of their lives, were talking about the hereafter. "I sure hope there's baseball in heaven," one said. "Me too," said the other gentleman. "It sure would be hell if there wasn't." That night, the first elderly gent was preparing himself for bed. As he got under the covers, he said, "God, if you're listening to me, I've got to know. Is there baseball in heaven?" To his surprise, a booming voice answered, "I have good news and I have bad news. The good news is, yes, there's baseball in heaven. The bad news is, you're pitching tomorrow." It was their twenty-fifth wedding anniversary and Mrs. Hillsdale bought her husband a beautiful family plot at the Rolling Acres cemetery. A year passed and on their twentysixth anniversary Mr. Hillsdale asked, "What did you get me for our anniversary this year darling?" "Not a thing," Mrs. Hillsdale replied, "You still haven't used what I gave you last year." Sir Livingston, a wealthy but stingy old man, was checking out of his hotel. The bellboy had just placed the tenth and last piece of luggage in Sir Livingston's car and noticed the elderly gentleman turn to get into his car. The bellboy rushed over to him. "You're not going to forget me, are you?" he asked. "Of course not, young man," replied Sir Livingston, "I'll write you twice a month." During the Sixties, when it was fashionable to rebel, young Rebecca told her grandmother that she was refusing to pay her taxes in protest against the war. "Look," said her grandma, with characteristic understanding, "it's okay to be a revolutionary, but just don't start in with the government." A man returned from a vacation in deepest Africa with a case full of shrunken heads. Thinking he might be able to sell them, he called the central office of Nieman Marcus department store and told the operator that he was looking to sell some shrunken heads. "Just a moment," she said. Several moments later, another woman got on the phone. "This is the head buyer speaking," she said. Gladstone and Disraeli were rivals in British politics for many years. During one heated debate, Gladstone shouted, "Disraeli, you will die on the gallows or from some loathsome disease!" "That," Disraeli said, "depends on whether I embrace your principles or your mistress." Professor Dithers, a marine zoologist, was leading an expedition through a thick swampy marshland when one of the members of the group came rushing towards him obviously stricken with panic. "Professor Dithers!" he screamed. "Come quickly. Your son has just been swallowed by an alligator." The professor looked quizzically at the young man and replied, "Certainly, my good man, you mean crocodile." A centenarian was asked his secrets of longevity. "Well," he said, "I don't drink, I don't smoke, and I make sure not to overeat." Said the reporter, "I had an uncle who did the very same thing and he died at sixty. How do you explain that?" "He didn't keep it up long enough," the old gent replied. A politician was cornered by the press as she was leaving the Capitol. "Do you have any comments about the Middle East situation?" yelled a frantic reporter. "No comment", she replied. "Do you have any feeling about what the president is considering?" fired another reporter. "No comment." "Is military force a viable option at this point?" yet another queried. "No comment," the politician replied, adding, "and don't quote me on it either." The town dog catcher had cornered a hapless gentleman, and was about to put a net over him and place him in the truck. "Wait a minute, wait a minute," the man protested. "I'm not even a dog!" "Sure, sure," the dog catcher replied. "That's what they all say." Little Johnny had a disagreement with a neighbor boy, and his mother instructed, "Fighting never solves anything. Next time you're mad, I want you to count to 50 before hitting anybody." Later that afternoon, Johnny came home with a black eye. "What happened to you?" his mother asked. "Well," Johnny said, "I did what you told me. Only problem was, Billy's mother told HIM to count to 25." A man with a stocking over his face accosted another man in an alley. "Stick 'em down," said the would-be mugger. "You mean stick 'em up," the victim corrected. "Huh," said the thug. "No wonder I haven't made any money." It was Christmas and the four-year-old was taken downtown to see Santa Claus for the first time. "Well, son," the father asked at dinner, "what did you think of Santa?" "Not much," replied the kid. "The guy can't even hold a steady job. I saw him in four different stores." Smith and Jones were on their way to play golf when they passed a church. Jones, feeling guilty about not going to confession, told Smith to wait outside while he went in to be forgiven. Once inside, Jones began, "Father, I have been unfaithful to my wife. I have committed adultery." "Was it Mrs. Rourke?" asked the Father. "No, it wasn't," replied Jones. "Was it Mrs. Mitchell?" the Father queried. "No, Father." "Mrs. Wright?" "No." Jones then got up and left and found Smith waiting for him on a nearby bench. "Well, did the Father give you forgiveness for you sins?" "No," replied Jones, "but he gave me a lot of good ideas." DOCTOR: Could you pay for an operation if I found one was necessary? PATIENT: Would you find one necessary if I told you I couldn't pay for it?