Miscellaneous Jokes Page 4

In PLAY IT AGAIN, SAM, Woody Allen meets a beautiful, if neurotic, young woman at an art gallery. "What are you doing on Saturday night?" he inquires. "Killing myself," she says coldly. "Well," says Woody, undaunted, "what are you doing on Friday night?"

Once there was a little boy who was clairvoyant. It seems this boy had premonitions. One night while saying his prayers he said, "God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma, good-bye Grandpa." The next day Grandpa died of a stroke. Then, later on the boy said, "God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, good-bye Grandma." Then Grandma was hit by a bus. Sometime later in his prayers he said, "God bless Mommy, good-bye, Daddy." The father, understandably, was quite upset. He had himself driven to work. All day he was on guard for some fatal mishap. Finally, he could stand it no longer and decided to come home from work early. He took a taxi home and went immediately inside. He was greeted by his wife who said, "You won't believe what happened today! The most dreadful thing -- the milkman dropped dead on the back porch."

DOCTOR: You're as fit as a fiddle. You'll live to be eighty.
PATIENT: But I am eighty.
DOCTOR: See? What did I tell you?

It's terrible how standards are being lowered in this country. There was a piece in the paper the other day saying that the National Bureau of Standard just announced that a picture is now worth only 848 words.

Moskowitz approached Finkelstein with a business proposition. "For $500," Moskowitz began, "I can sell you an elephant." "What are you, crazy?" Finkelstein replied. "I've got a little apartment in the city. Where am I gonna put an elephant? How am I gonna feed him? I got a kid I'm scrimping to send to college--what on earth am I gonna do with an elephant?" "Okay," Moskowitz rejoined, "how about two elephants for $750?" And Finkelstein said, "NOW you're talking!"

Mrs. Johnson was recovering from an illness when her Pastor paid her a visit. The visit cheered Mrs. Johnson up tremendously and, in return, she presented the Pastor with some brandy soaked pears. The Pastor accepted the gift and brought the jar to his nose and sniffed it. "Oh, I can't thank you enough," the Pastor said. "Oh, it's only a little present," she replied. "It's not the gift that counts," the Pastor said, "but the spirit in which it is given."

A noted football coach was asked how he determined what position each new recruit plays. "It's simple," he replied. "I just turn 'em loose in the park. The ones that run around the trees become the guards, and the ones that run into the trees I make the tackles."

Chauncey Depew, the statesman, was already nearing ninety when he found himself at a dinner sitting next to a beautiful young woman who was wearing a strapless evening gown. Unable to take his eyes off of her, he finally leaned over and said, "My dear girl, what's keeping your dress on you?" And she answered, "Only your age, Mr. Depew."

A locksmith received a call in the middle of the night from a man who sounded very upset. "I locked my keys in my car," he wailed. "Don't worry," the locksmith replied. I have a skeleton key that can open any car." "Okay," the man said, "but hurry. I left the convertible top down and everything is getting wet!"

A man went to the doctor and told him that five years before, he had swallowed three silver dollars. "If you swallowed them five years ago," the doctor asked, "why did you wait so long to see a doctor?" "I never needed the money before now," was the reply.

"Where did you get that candy?" the mother asked the boy. "I got it with the dime you gave me," he replied. "That dime I gave you was for Sunday school," she reprimanded him. "I know, mom," said the boy, "but the minister met me at the door and got me in free."

At a military function, the base commander launched into a long-winded oratory. A young lieutenant, obviously displeased, observed to the matron sitting next to him, "What a pompous, unbearable windbag that old slob is." The woman turned to him and said, "Lieutenant, do you know who I am?" "No, ma'am, I don't," the young man replied. "I am the wife of that unbearable windbag," she told him. "Do you know who I am?" the lieutenant asked her. "No, I don't," she said. "Thank God," he muttered, and disappeared into the crowd.

A Hollywood bigwig was bragging about his attorney. "He's so good, he got Ray Charles a driver's license."

Groucho Marx, known for smoking cigars and chasing women, was on an airplane and requested permission to light up a cigar. The flight attendant knew quite well of the regulation against cigar smoking, but figured he could make an exception for someone as famous as Groucho. "I suppose you can smoke a cigar if you don't bother the women passengers directly in front of you," he said. To which Groucho replied, "You mean I've got a choice?"

Two city boys went up north fishing, rented a boat, and got roaring drunk. To their amazement, the fish were biting and it was all they could do to haul the fish in one after the other. "Hey," said one, as they were rowing back to shore, "that was some great fishing. I hope we can remember this spot for tomorrow." "It's all taken care of," said the other. "I've already put an 'x' on the side of the boat to mark the spot." "Now that ain't too smart," said the first guy. "How do you know we'll get the same boat tomorrow?"

A man who had made a total mess of his life stood poised to jump off the Golden Gate Bridge. "I'm useless! I'm a failure!" he shouted in despair. The clergyman who was trying to restrain him said, "No man is completely useless. At very least, you can serve as a horrible example."

Culberson was relaxing at the club after a few rounds of golf. "Do you think it's going to rain tomorrow?" he asked Shrewdsberry, an attorney sitting next to him. "Probably not," Shrewdsberry yawned. The next day, Culberson received a bill for legal advice. The following week they met again at the club, and to make conversation, Culberson asked, "Are the Cleveland Indians ever going to get out of last place?" "It doesn't look like it," Shrewdsberry replied. Once again, Culberson received a bill. This time, Culberson took the bill over to the club, where he found Shrewdsberry relaxing in a lawn chair. "Listen," he shouted at the attorney, "you're a shyster and a crook. And I'm not asking, I'm telling!"

When Mr. Jones retired, he decided it was time to enjoy life and find some leisure activities. A friend suggested he take up golf. So he joined a country club and bought a set of golf clubs. He had no idea how to play, so before beginning his first game, he asked his caddy, "What do I do?" The caddy replied, "You see that flag way over there?" "Yes," the man said. "Well just use your club and hit the ball toward that flag," instructed the caddy. So the man took a big swing and hit the ball so well that it landed just a few inches from the hole. When they arrived at the green the man said, "Okay what do I do now?" The caddy said, "Now you try to hit the ball into the hole, of course." The man exclaimed, "Now you tell me!"

Old bankers never die. They just yield to maturity.

Every Friday night, a man would come into Joe's and order the same thing--two martinis. After a while, Joe suggested that he just order a double instead. "No, I couldn't do that," he said. "You see, it's a sentimental thing. An old buddy of mine died a few weeks ago and before he checked out, he asked that when I drink I have one for him as well." So Joe was surprised the next week when the man ordered just one martini. "What about your friend's drink?" Joe asked him. "This is my friend's drink," Joe replied. "I'm on the wagon."

The city boy had taken his girlfriend for a ride in the country. Inspired by the landscape, he jumped a fence to pick some flowers for her. When he looked up, however, he found himself facing a ferocious bull. About fifty yards away, he noticed a farmer on a tractor, quietly surveying the scene. "Say," the young man shouted out to the farmer, "is that bull safe?" "He's safe all right," the farmer said. "Can't say the same about you, though."

"Aside from that, Mrs. Lincoln, how did you enjoy the play?"

Two men were discussing their family backgrounds. Said one, "My grandfather was ruined in the crash of '29." "How'd that happen?" the other asked. "A millionaire jumped out of the window and landed on his pushcart."

A guy walks into a psychiatrist's office and says, "Doctor, Doctor you got to help me. I'm going crazy." The doctor looks at the man. "Why you're perfectly normal," the doctor tells the patient. "You're as sane as I am." The patient suddenly starts brushing himself and shouts, "But Doctor, what about these butterflies? They're all over me!" "Hey, for heaven's sake," the doctor cries. "Don't brush them off on me!"

A young man applied to the Daily News for a reporting job. The editor asked the man if he had much experience, being so young and all. The aspiring applicant suggested that he be sent out on a test story to see how well he could perform. The editor agreed and told him that when a good first story came, he would call him. The next day the editor sent the young man to a wedding. Several hours later the man returned, but with no story. "What happened?" asked the editor. "Well, I went to cover the wedding just as you instructed, but there was no story to cover. The bride didn't show up."

A group of cut-throat advertising executives were having a drink together after work. One of them asked, "Hey where's Fred, I haven't seen him in a while." "Didn't you know?" said another co-worker. "Fred went to the Great Ad Agency in the sky." "Are you kidding?" "No, he died two weeks ago." "Gee, well what did he have?" "Oh nothing much. Just a small shampoo account and a few car dealerships. Nothing worth going after."

A man walked into the doctor's office and said, "Doctor, I have this problem. I can't remember a thing." "How long have you had this problem?" asked the doctor. "What problem?"

A family doctor, an internist and a surgeon were out duck hunting. They agreed to take turns shooting their prey. A bird appeared to the left heading towards them. The family doctor spoke first. "Well, it looks like a duck," he said, and he fired a shot. However, much to his chagrin, he missed by a great deal. A few minutes later another bird appeared. The internist cries, "This one's mine. It looks like a duck. It flies like a duck, but I think I should do a few more tests before firing." By this time, the duck had flown well out of range. "Move over," said the surgeon. "I'll show you guys how it's done." They waited. Finally a bird appeared in the sky. The surgeon immediately cocked his rifle and shot the bird dead. When his trusty dog came back carrying the bird in his mouth, the surgeon grabbed the bird and shouted, "What do you know? It is a duck!"

The doctor was making his rounds in the hospital. "I have some good news and some bad news," he said to one patient. "Tell me the bad news first," said the sick man. "My friend," the doctor began, "you have less than three months to live." "So what's the good news?" the patient asked wearily. "See those plane tickets over there?" the doctor pointed, smiling. "I'm going to Hawaii for two weeks."

"What happened to your waitress job?" "I quit." "You quit? How come?" "It wasn't for me. I hated taking orders."