Miscellaneous Jokes Page 3

Charlie Baker, a marine had just recently been married when he was sent overseas to France. He immediately wrote home to his young bride. "Darling, I miss you so. It's very hard living here not knowing the language. There are so many beautiful women though. Its incredible. But don't worry, my love, for I would sooner spend all my free time learning to play an instrument than be unfaithful to you." Sara, his wife, on receipt of his letter immediately sent him a flute. A year later Charlie returned. At the airport, he saw his wife and ran towards her with open arms. "Just one minute before we kiss," she said. "Let's hear you play the flute."

An eighty-year-old man is sitting in his motel room watching TV when a beautiful young woman opens the door. "Oh, I'm sorry," she says, "I must have the wrong room." "You've got the right room all right," he says, "but you're forty years too late."

The attorney got his client a suspended sentence. They hung him.

A bar patron with a reputation for braggadocio was telling everyone in earshot that his doctor had ordered him to give up half of his sex life. "Which half are you going to give up?" asked a wag at the table. "Talking about it or thinking about it?"

The motorcycle cop raced furiously to catch up with the elderly man driving the 1947 Chevy. He pulled the man over, and breathlessly raced up to him. "Mister," the cop said, "do you realize your wife fell out of the car about five miles back?" "Thank goodness," the man said. "I thought I was going deaf."

Back in the days when his show was a starting point for many an entertainer, Ed Sullivan was approached by a man who claimed that his dog could not only talk, it could sing. Sullivan was skeptical, but was truly amazed when he heard the young dog at rehearsal. The pooch crooned Sinatra, he did Elvis, he even did a passable Ella Fitzgerald. Sullivan was all set to book the dog, when another dog came into the studio, clamped its jaws around the young dog's collar, and carried him out of there. "What was that all about?" Sullivan asked the owner. "Oh," the man replied, "that's his mother. He loves to sing, but she wants him to become a doctor."

The hypochondriac was convinced he had a very, very rare but deadly disease. "Ridiculous," pooh-poohed the doctor. "How could you know? With that disease there's no discomfort of any kind." "Yes, yes, I know," the hypochondriac replied. "Those are my exact symptoms!"

A mother was having a hard time keeping her two young boys from using swear words. Finally, she decided to go to a psychologist for some professional advice. "I have two suggestions," he told her. "First, be firm, but don't lose your temper. Second, make sure the older one sets an example for the younger one." The next morning, when the boys came downstairs, she asked the older boy what he wanted for breakfast. "I'll have some @ & * eggs," he said. Without batting an eye, the mother took a swing and sent the boy flying across the room. He landed in a heap in front of the couch. "And what would YOU like for breakfast?" she asked the younger boy in her sweetest voice. He hesitated for a moment, then replied, "Anything but them @ & * eggs!"

George was watching the Sunday football game, when his friend Charlie stopped by. "What's the score?" Charlie asked. "Three down and twenty-one to go," said George. "What kind of football score is that?" "Who's talking about football? I'm talking about this case of beer."

The young businessman had bought a new Mercedes which was his pride and joy. Came the day, however, that he took a turn too quickly and ended up wrapping his car around a tree. But he was unhurt, and took his misfortune cheerfully. "Well, that's the way the Mercedes Benz," he shrugged.

A distinguished anthropologist, Margaret Carty, was being visited by her mother. Ms. Carty had just returned from an expedition through Central Africa and had brought back many artifacts from the native culture. "Margaret, what's this funny thing on the mantel?" asked her mother. "That piece is used in a very special fertility dance," Ms. Carty replied. "It's sort of a phallic symbol." Her mother gave her daughter a strange look. "Honey, I hate to tell you what it looks like."

A New Yorker walks into a delicatessen and notices the shelves are filled with boxes of salt. Everywhere he turns, all he sees is salt. "Do you really sell so much salt?" the man asks the grocer. "Not at all," replies the grocer. "I sell maybe one or two boxes a week. To be perfectly honest, I'm not a good salt seller. But the fellow who sells me salt, now he's a good salt seller!"

Emmanuel Martez, seventy five years of age, was before the Naturalization Court being administered a citizenship test. "How many states are their in the United States of America?" asked the judge. "Fifty sir." "Very good. And tell me who was the first president?" "A simple question, your Honor. Washington." "All right then, one last question. Do you believe in overthrowing the government by subversion or violence?" Mr. Martez gazed down at the floor, thought a moment, and then replied, "Violence, your Honor."

Mr. Goldberg, nearsighted and nearing retirement, was crossing the street near his home and he didn't see the car turning. Before he could get out of the way, he was struck by the car. Officer Murphy, seeing the accident from across the street, sent someone to call the ambulance and ran over to help Mr. Goldberg. He loosened the old man's collar, and propped an overcoat behind his head. "Are you comfortable, Mr. Goldberg?" he said when he was done. "Ah," the old man shrugged, "I make a living."

A man went to his doctor for relief from a cold he just couldn't seem to shake. The man pleaded with the doctor to cure him. But the doctor, knowing full well that there is no cure for the common cold, offered this advise. "I want you to go out into this cold rainy weather," he instructed the patient, "and get soaked and chilled to the bone." "But," exclaimed the man, "if I do that, I'll catch pneumonia won't I?" "Certainly," said the doctor. "Pneumonia, we can cure."

The three biggest lies:
The check's in the mail.
Of course, I'll respect you in the morning,
I'm from the Federal Government and I'm here to help you.

Reuben, the village idiot, was a great source of amusement in a little Indiana town. "Watch this," said Roberts to a visitor. "Hey, Reuben, I've got something for you." Reuben sauntered over, a foolish grin on his face. Holding out a nickel and a dime, Roberts said, "You can have one of these. Which one do you want?" "I'll take the big one, Mr. Roberts," he replied. Roberts winked at the visitor, as Reuben took the nickel and shambled away. The visitor felt sorry for the hapless Reuben, excused himself, and walked over to where the village dullard was standing. "Reuben," he said, "don't you know the dime is worth more than the nickel?" "Sure, mister," he replied. "I know that." "Well then, why do you let them make a fool of you like that?" "Because as soon as I pick the dime, they're gonna stop playing the game."

WIFE: Was today the day everybody at your office took the intelligence test you told me about?
HUSBAND: That's right dear.
WIFE: Did you take the test, too?
HUSBAND: Why, of course!
WIFE: How did you do?
HUSBAND: Let's just thank God that I'm president.

A guy walked into a bar with a dog, and announced, "This dog can talk. Is it worth a shot of whiskey if the dog can answer a question?" "I'm game," said the bartender. "Go ahead." "Okay," the man said to his dog. "A guy is building a house. What does he have to put on top?" "R-r-r-ruff!" the dog replied. "See?" said the man. "What did I tell you? Want to try it again?" "Okay," said the bartender. "The same guy is still building his house," the man tells the dog, "but the boards have to be sanded. They're not smooth. What are they?" "R-r-r-ruff!" says the dog. "Wait a minute," says the bartender. "Let me ask him a question now." He gave the dog owner a drink and then asked, "Who's the greatest baseball player who ever lived?" "R-r-r-ruff!" was the reply. "Just as I thought," said the bartender. "A fraud. Now get out of here now!" The man and his dog walked outside into the street. The dog looked up at the man and said, "Hey, do you think I should have said 'Aaron?'"

BOSS: Get me my broker.
SECRETARY: Which one--stock or pawn?

The woman looked up from the book she was reading. "Do you realize," she said to her husband, "that 5,000 camels a year are used to make paint brushes?" "Unbelievable," he said. "It's amazing what they can train animals to do nowadays."

Tom and Ralph, best friends since their college days, were talking at work. "Boy, did I have a dream last night," Tom started. "I dreamt I was in Las Vegas and I couldn't lose. I held the dice for over an hour. I got blackjack 23 times in a row. When I played roulette, every number I bet on won. It was just incredible!" "That's nothing," testified Ralph. "Last night I had the most frustrating dream of my life. I dreamt that two beautiful models came into my bedroom, and completely undressed. The trouble was there were TWO of them and only one of me." "For heaven's sake," cried Tom. "Why didn't you call me?" "I tried, Tom, but you were in Las Vegas."

A man went to the doctor because his arm was bothering him. "Doctor," he said, flexing his arm, "it hurts when I do this." "So don't do this," the doctor replied. "Have you ever had that pain before?" "Yes," the patient answered. "Well, you got it again."

A young man recently made a bundle in the stock market, so he took a vacation in South America. He was shopping for a special present for his mother, when he spied an unusual looking bird at an outdoor market. "How much is that bird?" he inquired. "$1500," the stall owner replied. "$1500??" the young man asked. "For that bird?" "Oh, yes senor," the merchant said, "it is a very unusual bird, for it speaks twelve languages fluently." After getting the price down to $1000, the man bought the bird for his mother and had it shipped off to Brooklyn. Sure, $1000 was a lot of money, but for his mother, why not? Several weeks later he returned to the states and gave his mother a call. "So, ma," he said, "what did you think of the present I got you?" "It was delicious," she said. "Ma, don't tell me you ate that bird!" the young man cried. "That bird cost me $1000 and it spoke twelve languages!" "So?" his mother replied, "it should have said something."

The harried woman was petitioning the Governor to get her husband out of jail. "What was he imprisoned for?" asked the Governor. "For stealing a loaf of bread," was the reply. "Is he a good husband?" "Oh no," she said. "He disappears for weeks on end, then comes home drunk and beats the children and myself." "Then why on earth do you want him out of jail?" the Governor asked. "Well," she replied, "we're out of bread again."

The city boy in the flashy sports car stopped in front of a Vermont general store to ask an old farmer for directions. "Hey," the city fellow called, "how far is it to Brattleboro?" The farmer thought for a moment, then said, "Don't know." "Well, then, what's the quickest way to get there?" Again the old man thought, and replied, "Don't know." "Okay," the city man continued, "Where's the nearest gas station so I can ask directions?" "Don't know," was the old farmer's reply. "Hey," the man said, annoyed, "you don't know much of anything, do you?" "Wal'," the old man said quietly, "I'm not lost."

A duck walked in to a large drugstore and asked for some chapstick. "Are you going to pay cash for that?" asked the incredulous clerk. "Nope," said the duck. "Just put it on my bill."

The report was that the residents of the Lower East Side in New York have remarkably long life spans. So a newspaperman from the old New York World Telegram was sent to interview Mr. Shapiro, age 103. "What would you say the death rate is here in this neighborhood?" the reporter asked. "Oh, about one per person," Shapiro replied.