Miscellaneous Jokes Page 2

A retailer who sent a large order to a distributor received the following wire: "Can't ship until you pay for your last consignment." The retailer wired back: "Can't wait that long. Cancel order."

"I take great pleasure in giving you a B in mathematics," the professor told the student. "Why don't you give me an A and REALLY enjoy yourself," the student replied.

A number of years ago, there was a garbage collector's strike in New York City. Trash cans in one Brooklyn neighborhood were overflowing--except for the trash can in front of old Mr. Pacelli's house. A neighbor stopped by and asked the elderly gentlemen why his garbage can was empty. "Don't you have any garbage?" the neighbor asked. "Sure, I have garbage," he said. "But here's what I do. Every evening, I take my garbage and gift wrap it. Then I leave it on my car seat, and I leave the door unlocked. Next morning, it's always gone."

The Texan was visiting Rhode Island, and stopped to talk to a farmer laboring over a small plot. "How big is your plot of land?" the Texan asked the man. "Oh, it's a large enough plot," the New Englander replied. "It goes about an acre in this direction and a half an acre that way. What about your land?" The Texan couldn't conceal a smile. "Back home," he said, "I have a ranch and I can get in the car in the morning, turn on the ignition, and still not reach the end of my property by the time night falls." "Yeah, I know what you mean," nodded the farmer. "I had a car like that once."

The banker was told by his doctor to quit his job and get a less stressful one. So after twenty-five years as a banker, he found himself pumping gas. The first morning he opened for business, a customer drove in and asked for ten gallons of gasoline. "Where are you going?" the former banker asked. "To Chicago and back," was the reply. The banker looked at the man and said sternly, "Don't you think you can make it on five gallons?"

"My uncle in Detroit tried to make a new kind of car. He took the engine from a Ford, transmission from an Oldsmobile, tires from a Cadillac, the exhaust system from a Plymouth." "Really? What'd he get?" "Five years."

A cruise ship was wrecked in a storm, and the handful of survivors were washed up on a desert island without food or water. When dawn came, they saw that the ship was washed up on a sandbar just a few hundred feet away. However, the inlet was crawling with hungry sharks. The strongest young man volunteered to bring back the food. "I'm strong and I'm a good swimmer. I think I can make it." He dove in and gave it his best shot, but the sharks devoured him before he had a chance to get close to the food. "I'm a clergyman," another man volunteered. "The Lord will protect his servant." But he too became shark chow. Finally, a lawyer stepped forward. " I think I can get to the ship," he said. Sure enough, as soon as he got into the water, a dozen sharks lined up and escorted him to and from the ship. He returned to the ship unharmed. "It's a miracle!" several of the passengers shouted. "Nah, it's no miracle," the lawyer replied. "It's just professional courtesy."

"Hey Sammy, how'd you get that flat?" "Oh, I ran over a milk bottle." "Didn't see it, huh?" "No, damn kid had it under his coat."

Dr. Goldstein was busy with a patient when his nurse burst into the room. "Doctor!" she exclaimed. "That man you just gave a clean bill of health to? He was walking out of the office, and he dropped dead. What should I do?" "Turn him around so he looks like he was walking in," the doctor replied.

Two beautiful and elegant young women were comparing notes at a swank eatery. "This," said one, putting her hand on the table, "is the notorious Klopman diamond. You know, the one that comes with the curse." "Really," said the other. "What's the curse?" "Klopman."

The unfaithful wife was embracing her lover in a hotel room when she heard the sound of a key in the door. "It's my husband," she whispered. "Quick, jump out of the window!" "I can't," the lover said, alarmed. "We're on the thirteenth floor!" "For God's sake," the woman cried, "this is no time to be superstitious!"

An executive was giving a tour of the new company offices to a long time friend. "How many people work in this office?" queried his friend. "Oh, I'd say about half."

Luke was talking about his most frightening experience. "Well," he began, "I was just walkin' through the woods, mindin' my own business when out of nowhere, this huge grizzly bear jumps out and grabs me. He was about to squeeze the breath right out of me, and the gun dropped out of my hands. Next thing I know, the bear has this gun and he's pointin' it at my back." "Gee," said one enthralled listener. "What'd you do?" "Well, what could I do?" said Luke. "I married his daughter."

An advice columnist received the following letter: "I am an ex-convict. I'm about to be released from prison and am engaged to be married to a young lady. She'd like to know something about my background. Well, my dad was a convicted blackmailer, my mother was on narcotics all her life, my one brother is serving time for assault, my sister was sent up on a bad check charge, and my other brother is a used car salesman. My question is, do you think I should tell her about my brother who's a used car salesman?"

I have three hundred books, but no bookcase. I can't find anyone to lend me a bookcase.

A woman was consulting a psychiatrist. "It's about my husband," she said. "He thinks he's a chicken." "I see," said the psychiatrist, "and how long has this been going on." "Oh, about two years," the woman replied. "Two years?" the psychiatrist said, frowning. "Why have you waited this long to do something about it?" "Well," the woman shrugged, "for one thing, we needed the eggs."

A centenarian's advice on how to live to be a hundred: Get to the age of 99 and be very, very careful.

The president of the company was addressing the board of directors. "All opposed to my proposal will reply by saying, 'I resign.'"

JULIE: Guess what? I'm going to have triplets!
ANN: Wow, that's great. Aren't triplets very rare?
JULIE: I'll say. My doctor told me that triplets occur once every two million times!
ANN: Gee, how did you have time for work?

Two partners in the clothing business had made a dreadful error. They had sunk their entire savings into a line of suits that turned out to be hopelessly ugly. With bankruptcy looming, suicide seemed the only way out. But then, good fortune struck. A buyer from Texas came into the shop and agreed to buy every last one of the suits--at the asking price. There was only one catch. The buyer needed approval from his home office. "It's a formality," the Texas man said, "but still, it has to be approved. If you don't get a telegram by Friday at 5:00, the deal is still on." The two partners spent the following week hoping the telegram wouldn't come. By the time Friday arrived, they were virtually paralyzed with anxiety. Finally, at 4:00 on Friday, they heard the dreaded sound of a young man's voice, "Telegram! Telegram!" Neither man could move. Finally, one of the partners dragged himself to his feet, walked into the reception room, and read the telegram. A minute later, he came bounding back into the office. "Great news!" he said. "Your brother died!"

The vaudeville entertainer came back stage after an uninspired performance. "Well, kid," said his agent, "did you go out there and kill 'em?" "Nope. They were dead when I got there."

The New Yorker was building himself a house in rural Maine, so he hired a local carpenter to execute the architect's plans. But having looked at the plans, the carpenter shook his head and told the New Yorker, "Can't do it this way. Plans are wrong." The New Yorker insisted that the plans had been drawn by one of the finest architects in New York City, and there could be no mistake. Again the carpenter protested, and the New Yorker said, "Look, the blueprint is right! You build it that way, or I'll get someone else." "All right," the carpenter shrugged, "have it your way. But I'm telling you--you're gonna end up with two bathrooms."

The Texas billionaire awoke one day and said to his wife, "I feel like a million dollars." "What's wrong?" she said.

A Hollywood producer known for his stinginess, stubbornness and ruthlessness was being introduced at a banquet. "And if I ever have a heart transplant," the emcee was saying, "I would like to get this man's heart." Later on, the emcee was approached by a friend. "You didn't mean that thing you said about the heart transplant, did you?" the friend asked. "Sure I did," the emcee replied. "If I get a transplant, I want a heart that's never been used."

Two business partners were vacationing in Miami. Suddenly, one sat upright in his chair and announced, "I made a dreadful mistake. Before I left, I forgot to lock the safe." "What are you worried about?" asked his partner. "We're both here."

A Chicago judge who was to decide a bitter real estate dispute received a check for $20,000 from the plaintiff and $30,000 from the defendant. Calling to the two parties to approach the bench, he announced, "Gentleman, I am an honorable man. Therefore, I will return $10,000 to the defendant and try the case strictly on its merits."

A young couple was walking through the Egyptian exhibit at the museum, when the guy accidentally brushed a vase and it crashed to the floor. "That vase was 2,000 years old!" the museum guide gasped. "Thank goodness," the young man said, relieved. "I was afraid it was new."

A man returned to the parking lot only to find his fender crumpled. His spirits were lifted momentarily when he saw a note pinned to his windshield, but they sunk again when he read it. It read: "There are at least ten people watching me write this. They think I'm writing my name, address and phone number. But I'm not."

A note attached to a college student's term paper: "This paper is both good and original, but the part that is good is not original and the part that is original is not good."

A farmer whose land fell right on the Russian-Polish border was informed that the border dispute had finally been ironed out and his land was now totally within Poland. "Thank God," he said. "I don't think I could stand another of those Russian winters."

A young college student wheeled her overflowing grocery cart to the cash register at a Boston store. The line was clearly marked EXPRESS LANE - SIX ITEMS OR LESS. As the woman at the register was ringing up the sale, she turned to the young boy who was bagging the groceries and said "This girl either goes to Harvard and can't count, or to M.I.T. and can't read!"

Two old friends, Moskowitz and Finkelstein, met in the garment district one day. Both seemed extraordinarily gloomy. Moskowitz spoke first. "Finkelstein, I've just lived through a summer the likes of which I thought I'd never see. June? Never in my many years in business have I seen such a terrible month. But when July came, June seemed terrific in comparison. July was so terribly awful, that when I tell you--" At this point, Finkelstein broke in, "You call those trivial matters troubles? Let me tell you something. Yesterday, I found out that my son, my only son, the one who I had placed all my hopes in, told me he was dying of cancer. Now what could be worse than that?" "August," Moskowitz replied.

Not everyone is cut out to be a terrorist. One guy tried to blow up a bus, but he burned his lips on the exhaust pipe.

The trouble with political jokes is that too often, they get elected.

A businessman was very well-respected in his community, but he had a skeleton in his closet which caused him terrible guilt. Ever since he was a young man, he had been stealing wood from a nearby lumber yard. Each time he was honored for being a model citizen, he felt worse. Finally, he confided in a friend, who happened to be a Catholic. "We Catholics are fortunate," said the friend. "We can go to confession for forgiveness. I'm sure you can do that even though you're not a Catholic. You'll feel greatly relieved." The man brightened at the idea, and the next day he found himself in the confessional. "Forgive me, Father, I have sinned," he said, and revealed the whole sordid story. When he was done, he was elated beyond his wildest imagination. "This is great!" he said. "All I had to do was confess, and now this tremendous burden is relieved!" "Not so fast, my son," the priest advised. "You cannot expect to commit a crime without paying, even if you have been forgiven. Have you ever made a novena?" "No," the man said, "but if you have the plans, I can get the lumber."

An ex-employer was being telephoned about a man who had applied for a job elsewhere. "Was he steady?" the prospective employer wanted to know. "Steady?" the ex-boss said, "he was like a rock. From the time he got here until the moment he left, he didn't move."

The lawyer was going over the facts of the case with his key witness. "Now, I hope everything is clear. You realize that you will be under oath and you will have to tell the whole truth and nothing but the truth." "Yes, sir. I understand." "Good, because you know what will happen if you don't tell the truth, don't you?" "Our side will win, sir!"

The judge was addressing a man accused of pushing his mother-in-law out of her fourteenth story window. "I cannot believe that anyone is capable of such a cruel, ruthless act. Don't you realize how dangerous it might have been for anyone passing by at the time?"

"Tell me," the gravely ill man asked his doctor, "how long do I have?" "Well," the doctor replied, "you know those TV shows that are continued the following week? I wouldn't start watching any of those."

A veteran was holding forth about his war record. "Yep," he said, "I had quite a time. First I blew up this ammo depot. Then I blew up a bridge. Then I destroyed the general's quarters. It was around that time that they decided to send me overseas."

One prison inmate to another: "You know, just our being here makes the world a better place to live."

A notorious borrower asked a friend for fifty bucks which he promised to repay as soon as he got back from Chicago. Having handed the borrower the money, the friend asked, "When are you coming back from Chicago?" "Who's going?" the borrower said, and walked away.

Have you ever stopped to think about how our streets aren't safe, our water isn't safe, our air isn't safe--but under our arms, we have complete protection?

A trucker was delivering a shipment of penguins to the zoo when he had a flat tire. When he went to change it, he realized he had no spare. So he flagged down a fellow in a pick-up truck and explained the situation. "If you could take these penguins to the zoo while I go get a new tire, I'll be mighty grateful." The pick-up truck driver said he'd be glad to, and off they went to the zoo. Two hours later, the truck driver was fixing the tire, and was surprised to see the pick-up still loaded with penguins going in the opposite direction. Again, he flagged the pick-up down. "Hey," he said, "didn't you take those penguins to the zoo?" "Sure," said the other driver, "but they had so much fun there, I decided to take them to a movie."

A government census taker was questioning an old man who had been born and raised in the town. "What is the population of your town?" the census taker asked. "About three thousand, five hundred and seven people, and it's been that way for forty years," was the reply. "You mean to tell me," said the census taker, "that there were three thousand, five hundred and seven people here forty years ago and the same number today? Haven't any people moved in or any babies been born?" "Oh, there have been babies born, alright," said the old man. "Just happens that every time a baby is born, somebody leaves town."

A newcomer to the state prison was surprised to see a group of inmates sitting around the courtyard going through a peculiar ritual. One man would shout out a number, and the others would laugh. "What's going on?" the new inmate inquired. "Well," said a veteran, "we've all been here so long that we know just about every joke by heart, so we just tell them by the numbers." Just then an inmate called out, "Two hundred and eight!" and the rest of the group laughed particularly loudly. "Why did everyone laugh so loud?" the newcomer wanted to know. The veteran chuckled. "Oh, we hadn't heard that one before," he said.

Business is like sex. When it's good, its very good. And when its not so good, its's still good.

Great-aunt Bessie loved to visit her nieces and nephews, but hated flying. No matter how safe people told her it was, she was always worried that someone would have a bomb on the plane. Finally, the family decided that maybe if she saw the statistics she'd be convinced. So they sent her to a friend of the family who was an actuary. "Tell me," she said suspiciously, "what are the chances that someone will have a bomb on a plane?" The actuary looked through his tables and said, "A very small chance. Maybe one in five hundred thousand." She nodded, then thought for a moment. "So what are the odds of two people having a bomb on the same plane?" Again he went through his tables. "Extremely remote," he said. "About one in a billion." Aunt Bessie nodded and left his office. And from that day on, every time she flew, she took a bomb with her.

When President Woodrow Wilson was still governor of New Jersey, he received a call in the middle of the night that one of the state's U.S. Senators had died suddenly. He had no sooner hung up the phone when he received another call, this time from an ambitious office seeker. "I'd like to take the Senator's place," the man said boldly. "Well," Wilson replied, "if it's okay with the undertaker, it's okay with me."

The patron in the fancy restaurant sat patiently for twenty minutes but no one came by to take her order. Finally she motioned to the maitre d'. "I'd like to change my table," she said, "to something a little closer to a waiter."

A guys knocks on the door of a psychiatrist's office. "Doctor, Doctor, you've got to help me," cried the man. "My brother, he breaks thermometers, throws away the glass, and drinks the mercury." "What?" cried the psychiatrist. "He wastes the best part!"

Two men were at a cocktail party in Washington, D.C. "Have you heard the latest White House joke?" one asked the other. "No," the other man replied, "but I think I should tell you, I work at the White House." "In that case, I'll tell the joke very slowly."

Fred and Harriet were returning home after a Sunday spent going from one garage sale to another. "What's amazing to me," Fred muttered, "are the things people would rather have than money."

Sir Gallings and Lord Harrington were discussing the morals of today's youth. "It's unbelievable!" uttered Lord Harrington. "No morals, no decency, I tell you. Hop into bed with anyone. I didn't sleep with my wife until we were married. What about you?" "Not sure, old man. What was her maiden name?"

A man was taking the late train back to New York and found himself in a car that was occupied by just one other man. Trying to make the most out of a long ride, he tried to start up a conversation with the well-dressed fellow. "May I buy you a drink sir?" "No thanks," said the passenger. "I don't drink. I tried it once, but I didn't like it." "How about a cigar then? I just bought these and they are very good." "Sorry. I don't smoke. I tried it once, but I didn't like it." Still not discouraged, the man asked, "Well how about a game of gin?" "Don't play cards. I tried it once, but I didn't like it. My daughter plays cards a lot though." The man, defeated, looked at the other passenger and said, "Your only child, I presume?"

It was the eighth round and the fighter was taking quite a beating. As he stumbled back to his corner, he asked his manager, "How am I doing?" "Let's put it this way," the manager said. "You'd have to knock the guy out to get a draw."

An outspoken elder statesman was asked about the two presidential candidates. "I'm thankful," he said, "that only one of them can be elected."

A newcomer to Beverly Hills said, "I tried paying for something with cash the other day, and the store guy got real suspicious. 'What's the matter,' he said, 'you're credit no good?'"