From a news report out of a small western town: "It was reported today that vandals made off with all the toilet seats at the local police station. Police have nothing to go on." A portly matron was approached by a seedy-looking character. "Ma'am," he said, "I haven't had a bite to eat for three days." "Gee," she said wistfully, "I wish I had your willpower."|
The hunter and his guide were terribly lost. "Hey," the hunter shouted at the guide, "I thought you said you were the best guide in Maine!" "I am," replied the guide, "but I think we're in Vermont now."
My father was a real boozer. He once saw a sign that said, "Drink Canada Dry," so he went up there.
A beautiful woman had just stepped out of the shower at a posh hotel when she heard the phone ring. She quickly dried herself off, and entered the bedroom stark naked. She immediately spotted a window washer eyeing her through the glass. Unable to move, she stood there speechless and nude. Her trance was broken by the window washer. "For heaven's sake lady. Haven't you ever seen a window washer before?"
MAN IN WHITE COAT: I'm looking for an escaped lunatic. Did he pass this way?
BYSTANDER: I don't know. What did he look like?
MAN IN WHITE COAT: He's short and thin, and weighs about 500 pounds.
BYSTANDER: Wait a minute. How can he be short and thin and weigh 500 pounds?
MAN IN WHITE COAT: Well, I told you he was crazy.
Woman boarding a plane to stewardess: "Tell the pilot not to fly faster than the speed of sound. My friend and I want to talk."
A father was discussing business ethics with his son who had just graduated college. "Suppose a woman came in to the store," the father began, "and bought $100 worth of goods. As she is walking out the door, you discover she'd given you two hundred
dollar bills instead of one. So here's the ethics question: Should you or shouldn't you tell your business partner?"
The crew leader was addressing the galley slaves. "I've got some good news, and I've got some bad news. The good news is, you're going to get a five minute break right now. The bad news is, the captain wants to go water skiing in ten minutes."
Isn't it amazing that just enough news happens each day to fill the newspapers.
A man making his first skydiving attempt was alarmed when his chute didn't open. He pulled the cord for his reserve chute, but that didn't open either. As he was plummeting toward the ground, he saw another man flying up towards him. "Hey," he shouted at the man, "do you know anything about parachutes?" "Nope," was the reply. "Know anything about gas furnaces?"
"My good man, aren't you ashamed to stand here on the street begging?" asked the properly dressed woman. "What do you want me to do," the man demanded, "open an office?"
A young man was applying for a job as a switchman. The interviewer asked, "What would you do if you saw two trains heading for each other on the same track?" "I'd throw the lever to switch one of the trains on another track." "What would you do if the lever was broken?" "I'd manually set the warning lights." "And what if the warning lights did not work?" "I'd use hand signals to try to warn the trains." "And if that didn't work either?" "Well, I guess I'd call my brother." "Your brother? What would he do?" "Oh, nothing. He just loves to watch train wrecks."
A man from the Bronx made a bundle of money on the stock market and retired to Miami. His first day there, he fell into the pool and nearly drowned. But a lifeguard pulled him out and saved his life. As soon as he regained consciousness, he motioned to a bellboy nearby. "What do they generally tip for something like that?" he asked.
As the airliner was preparing to land in Madrid in a rainstorm, an English passenger seemed noticeably afraid. "What's the problem, fellow?" asked his seat mate. "Surely," said the Englishman, "you've heard the saying, 'The planes in Spain fall mainly in the rains.'"
The doctor smiled at the woman who had just been examined. "I have good news for you, Mrs. Smith." "That's great," she said, "but I'm MISS Smith." "In that case, Miss Smith," the doctor said, "I have some bad news for you."
A shoplifter was caught red-handed trying to pilfer a watch from an exclusive jewelry store. "Listen," said the shoplifter, "I know you don't want any trouble either. What do you say I just buy the watch and we forget about this?" The management agreed and wrote up the sales slip. The crook looked at the slip and said, "This is a little more than I intended to spend. Can you show me something less expensive?"
A pig and a chicken were walking by a church where a gala charity event was taking place. Getting caught up in the spirit, the pig suggested to the chicken that they each make a contribution. "Great idea!" the chicken cried. "Why don't we offer them ham and eggs?" "Not so fast," said the pig testily. "For you, that's a contribution. For me, it's a total commitment."
During a transcontinental flight, a passenger looked out the window and noticed that two of the jet's engines were on fire. He began shouting that the engines were on fire, and pretty soon the rest of the passengers were in the throes of panic. Whereupon the pilot appeared in the doorway to the passenger compartment with a parachute strapped to his back. "Don't worry, folks," he said cheerfully. "I'm going for help."
A boy hadn't said a word for the first thirteen years of his life. One day at dinner he suddenly announced, "This hamburger is cold." His parents were shocked. "Why did you wait so long to talk?" they asked. "Well," he said, "up until now,
everything's been okay."
A reporter was interviewing a remarkable man, who at sixtyfive, had just run the Boston Marathon. "Oh, it's nothing really, compared to what my father just did," the runner told him. "He's ninety and he just swam the English Channel. Right now he's in Arkansas being best man at my grandfather's wedding. Grandpa is 114." "That's absolutely amazing," the reporter said. "You're sixty-five and a marathon runner. Your ninety-year-old dad just swam the English Channel. And now your grandfather, who's 114, wants to get married." "That's not quite right," the runner said. "Grandpa doesn't WANT to get married. He HAS to."
"Why hasn't Johnson been to work for the past week?" "Hadn't you heard? He won a trip to Las Vegas." "What's he doing now?" "Trying to win a trip back."
A man walked into a store and told the clerk, "This is my wife's birthday, and I'd like to get her a box of candy." "A little surprise, huh?" the clerk said, winking. "I'll say," the man replied. "She's expecting a Cadillac."
Two high school students were despondent after a particularly grueling exam. "How close were you to the right answers?" one asked. "About three seats," the other replied.
A married couple tried everything but failed to have children. Finally, their doctor said, "I know there is no physiological reason why you can't have children. The problem is probably due to tension. You're just trying too hard. From now on just forget all the techniques, checking temperatures and time of month and so on. Just relax. However, if on any occasion you get the impulse to make love, then don't wait, make love." A few months later, the wife returned to the doctor and found that she was pregnant. The doctor asked if they had followed his advice. "Yes we did," she said, "We just acted normally, and then one night at dinner, I dropped my napkin and my husband and I both bent down under the table to pick it up. Our fingers touched as we reached for the napkin giving us an electric sensation. We remembered what you said and we just stopped in the middle of dinner and made love under the table. That's when I got pregnant." "Terrific!" said the doctor. "You must be very happy." "Yes, everything is wonderful except for one thing. They won't let us in to Howard Johnson's anymore."
I know a family of air pioneers. The father was the first person to jump 1000 feet from an airplane. The mother was the first to jump 2000 feet from an airplane. Their daughter was the first to jump 3000 feet from an airplane. Now, the son is going to be the first person to jump 10000 feet from an airplane. You see, he figures he has nothing to live for. He has no family.
The farmer frantically called the volunteer fire department. "Come quick," he said. "My place is on fire!" "How do we get there?" the fire chief asked. "Don't you have them red trucks anymore?" the farmer asked.
After a particularly poor game of golf, a popular club member skipped the clubhouse and started to go home. As he was walking to the parking lot to get his car, a policeman stopped him and asked, "Did you tee off on the sixteenth hole about twenty minutes ago?" "Yes," the golfer responded. "Did you happen to hook your ball so that it went over the trees and off the course?" "Yes, I did. How did you know?" he asked. "Well," said the policeman very seriously, "Your ball flew out onto the highway and crashed through a driver's windshield. The car went out of control, crashing into five other cars and a fire truck. The fire truck couldn't make it to the fire and the building burnt down. So, what are you going to do about it?" The golfer thought it over carefully and responded, "I think I'll close my stance a little bit, tighten my grip and lower my right thumb."
Three elderly gents were talking about what their grandchildren would be saying about them fifty years hence. "I would like my grandchildren to say, 'He was successful in business,'" declared the first man. "Fifty years from now," said the second, "I want them to say, 'He was a loyal family man.'" Turning to the third gent, he asked, "So what do you want them to say about you in fifty years?" "Me?" the third one replied. "I want them to say, 'He certainly looks good for his age.'"
The lion was feeling his oats one day as he went wandering through the jungle. Before long, he came upon a monkey. "Who's the king of the jungle?" he thundered. "Y-y-you are," the monkey stammered in reply. The lion walked on until he came to a gazelle. "Who's the king of the jungle?" the lion shouted. "You are, lion," the gazelle replied, and the lion walked on. Soon the lion encountered an elephant. "Who's the king of the jungle?" the lion shouted once again. Whereupon the elephant grabbed the lion with his trunk, swung him around, and repeatedly pounded the poor lion against a tree. Finally, he flung the lion into a shallow stream. "Okay, okay," the lion said. "Just because you don't know the answer is no reason to get upset."