How can you tell there's an afterlife for lawyers? |
. . . Because after they die, they lie still.
How do you get a lawyer out of a tree?
. . . Cut the rope.
How do you greet a lawyer with an IQ of 50?
. . . . "Good morning, your honor."
How do you know if your lawyer is worthless?
. . . Ask him if he's a member of the bar.
How do you know when a lawyer is lying?
. . . His lips are moving.
How do you save a drowning lawyer?
. . . Take your foot off his head.
How many corporate attorneys does it take to change a light bulb?
. . . Who knows, you need 250 just to lobby for the research grant.
How many defense attorneys does it take to change a light bulb?
. . . How many can you afford?
How many lawyers can you put on the head of a pin?
. . . Ten, if you make them stand on their heads.
If you see a lawyer on a bicycle, why should you never swerve to hit him?
. . . It might be your bicycle.
It was so cold last winter ... (How cold was it?) ... that I saw a lawyer with his hands in his own pockets.
Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, an honest lawyer and an old drunk are walking down the street together when they simultaneously spot a hundred dollar bill. Who gets it? The old drunk, of course; the other three are mythological creatures.
The tooth fairy, an honest lawyer, and an expensive, dishonest lawyer are in the same room.
There is a $500 bill on a table in the room. When they leave, the money is gone. Who took it?
. . . . Since there is no such thing as the tooth fairy or an honest lawyer, the answer is obvious.
What are lawyers good for?
. . . They make used car salesmen look good.
What can a goose do that a duck can't do that a lawyer won't do?
. . . . Stick his bill up his ass.
What did the lawyer name his daughter?
. . . Sue.
What do a lawyer and baker have in common?
. . . They both enjoy carving up the pie.
What do lawyers and bullfrogs have in common?
. . . Both have a big head that consists mainly of mouth.
What do lawyers use for birth control?
. . . . Their personalities.
What do you call 100 lawyers chained together at the bottom of the ocean?
. . . A good start.
What do you call a person who assists a criminal in breaking the law before the criminal gets arrested?
. . . An accomplice.
What do you call a person who assists a criminal in breaking the law after the criminal gets arrested?
. . . A lawyer.
What do you call parachuting lawyers?
. . . . Skeet.
What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a lawyer?
. . . An offer you can't understand.
What do you get when you run an 'Honest Lawyer' contest?
. . . No winners.
What do you have when a lawyer is buried up to his neck in wet cement?
. . . Not enough cement.
What do you have when you have ten lawyers buried up to their necks in sand?
. . . Not enough sand!
What happens when you cross a pig with a lawyer?
. . . Nothing. There are some things a pig won't do.
What is a criminal lawyer?
. . . Redundant.
What's black and brown and looks good on a lawyer?
. . . Two dobermans!
What's the definition of "a shame" (as in, "that's a shame")?
. . . When a busload of lawyers goes off a cliff.
What is the definition of a "crying shame"?
. . . When there was an empty seat.
What's the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead lawyer in the road?
. . . There are skid marks in front of the dog.
What's the difference between a lawyer and a bucket of cow manure?
. . . The bucket.
What's the difference between a lawyer and a catfish?
. . . One is an ugly, scum sucking bottom-feeder and the other is a fish.
What's the difference between a lawyer and a catfish?
. . . One wallows in the mud and is a blood-sucking scavenger -- the other is a fish!
What's the difference between a lawyer and God?
. . . God doesn't think he's a lawyer.
What's the difference between a lawyer and a leech?
. . . A leech quits sucking your blood after you die.
What's the difference between a lawyer and a poisonous snake?
. . . You can make a pet out of the snake.
What's the difference between a lawyer and a snake run down on the highway?
. . . Skid marks in front of the snake.
What's the difference between a lawyer and a vampire?
. . . A vampire only sucks blood at night.
What's the difference between a lawyer and a vulture?
. . . The vulture doesn't get frequent flyer miles!
What's the difference between a lawyer and a vulture?
. . . The vulture doesn't take its wing tips off at night.
What's the difference between a porcupine and two lawyers in a Porsche?
. . . With a porcupine, the pricks are on the outside.
What's the difference between female prosecutors and terrorists?
. . . . You can negotiate with terrorists.
What's the only disadvantage to using lawyers instead of rats in laboratory experiments?
. . . It's harder to extrapolate the test results to human beings.
Where can you find a good lawyer?
. . . In the city morgue.
Why does California have the most lawyers and New Jersey the most toxic waste dumps?
. . . New Jersey had first choice!
What do male lawyers and sperm have in common?
. . . Only one in two million do any real work!
Why are laboratory scientists switching from rats to lawyers for their experiments?
. . . 1. Lawyers are more plentiful than rats;
. . . 2. The lab technicians don't get as attached to the lawyers, and
. . . 3. There are some things a rat just won't do.
Why are lawyers never attacked by sharks?
. . . Professional courtesy.
Why do lawyers carry their certification on their dashboard?
. . . So they can park in the handicapped parking; it's proof of a moral disability.
Why don't lawyers go to the beach?
. . . Cats keep trying to bury them.
Why do pharmaceutical company laboratories now use lawyers rather than lab rats for testing?
. . . A. Lawyers breed faster, so there are more of them.
. . . B. Lab personnel don't get as emotionally attached to them.
. . . C. Lawyers do things rats won't."
. . . D. Animal protection groups don't get nearly as excited.
. . . E. Some people actually like rats.
Why do they bury lawyers twelve feet deep?
. . . Because deep down, they are really good guys!
Why is it that so many lawyers have broken noses?
. . . From chasing parked ambulances.
A stingy old lawyer who had been diagnosed with a terminal illness was determined to prove wrong the saying, "You can't take it with you." After much thought and consideration, the old ambulance-chaser finally figured out how to take at least some of his money with him when he died. He instructed his wife to go to the bank and withdraw enough money to fill two pillow cases. He then directed her to take the bags of money to the attic and leave them directly above his bed. His plan: When he passed away, he would reach out and grab the bags on his way to heaven. Several weeks after the funeral, his widow was up in the attic cleaning, and came upon the two forgotten pillow cases stuffed with cash. "Oh, that darn fool," she exclaimed, "I knew he should have had me put the money in the basement."
One day a lawyer died and found herself at the pearly gates of heaven. St. Peter asked, "Who are you?" The woman answered, "I was a Hollywood divorce lawyer." Nodding ominously, St. Peter asked, "What have you done to earn an eternal reward in heaven." The lawyer thought about it long and hard, searching her mind for the one good deed that might gain her entrance to heaven. "As a matter of fact, the other day I passed a panhandler in the street and I gave him fifty cents," she said beamingly. St. Peter nodded grimly, looking over at his assistant Gabriel, and asked, "Is that in the records?" Gabriel nodded his assent. St. Peter than said, "That's not very impressive, nor is it enough. I'm sorry," and started to close the gates. "Wait, wait! There's more," shouted the woman. "The other night, as I was walking home, I almost tripped over a homeless child in the street. I gave him fifty cents too!" Peter again checked with Gabriel who confirmed the incident. "Is there anything else?" The lawyer again thought and thought and sadly said, "Not that I can remember." St. Peter contemplated for a long time and then asked Gabriel, "What do you think I should do?" Gabriel glanced at the lawyer disgustingly and said, "I'd give her back her buck and tell her to go to hell!"
A tourist wanders into a back-alley antique shop in San Francisco's Chinatown. Picking through the objects on display he discovers a detailed, life-sized bronze sculpture of a rat. The sculpture is so interesting and unique that he picks it up and asks the shop owner what it costs. "Twelve dollars for the rat, sir," says the shop owner, "and a thousand dollars more for the story behind it." "You can keep the story, old man," he replies, "but I'll take the rat." The transaction complete, the tourist leaves the store with the bronze rat under his arm. As he crosses the street in front of the store, two live rats emerge from a sewer drain and fall into step behind him. Nervously looking over his shoulder, he begins to walk faster, but every time he passes another sewer drain, more rats come out and follow him. By the time he's walked two blocks, at least a hundred rats are at his heels, and people begin to point and shout. He walks even faster, and soon breaks into a trot as multitudes of rats swarm from sewers, basements, vacant lots, and abandoned cars. Rats by the thousands are at his heels, and as he sees the waterfront at the bottom of the hill, he panics and starts to run full tilt. No matter how fast he runs, the rats keep up, squealing hideously, now not just thousands but millions, so that by the time he comes rushing up to the water's edge a trail of rats twelve city blocks long is behind him. Making a mighty leap, he jumps up onto a light post, grasping it with one arm while he hurls the bronze rat into San Francisco Bay with the other, as far as he can heave it. Pulling his legs up and clinging to the light post, he watches in amazement as the seething tide of rats surges over the breakwater into the sea, where they drown. Shaken and mumbling, he makes his way back to the antique shop. "Ah, so you've come back for the rest of the story," says the owner. "No," says the tourist, "I was wondering if you have a bronze lawyer."
A lawyer and an engineer were fishing in the Caribbean. The lawyer said "I'm here because my house burned down and everything I owned was destroyed by the fire. The insurance company paid for everything." "That's quite a coincidence", said the engineer, "I'm here because my house and all my belongings were destroyed by a flood, and my insurance company also paid for everything." The lawyer looked somewhat confused. "How do you start a flood?", he asked.
A snake and a rabbit were racing along a pair of intersecting forest pathways one day, when they collided at the intersection. They immediately began to argue with one another as to who was at fault for the mishap. When the snake remarked that he had been blind since birth, and thus should be given additional leeway, the rabbit said that he, too, had been blind since birth. The two animals then forgot about the collision and began commiserating concerning the problems of being blind.
The snake said that his greatest regret was the loss of his identity. He had never been able to see his reflection in the water, and for that reason did not know exactly what he looked like, or even what he was. The rabbit declared that he had the same problem. Seeing a way that they could help each other, the rabbit proposed that one feel the other from head to toe, and then try to describe what the other animal was. The snake agreed, and started by winding himself around the rabbit. After a few moments, he announced, "You've got very soft, fuzzy fur, long ears, big rear feet, and a little fuzzy ball for a tail. I think that you must be a bunny rabbit!" The rabbit was much relieved to find his identity, and proceeded to return the favor to the snake. After feeling about the snake's body for a few minutes, he asserted, "Well, you're scaly, you're slimy, you've got beady little eyes, you squirm and slither all the time, and you've got a forked tongue. I think you're a lawyer!"
A dog ran into a butcher shop and grabbed a roast off the counter. Fortunately, the butcher recognized the dog as belonging to a neighbor of his. The neighbor happened to be a lawyer. Incensed at the theft, the butcher called up his neighbor and said, "Hey, if your dog stole a roast from my butcher shop, would you be liable for the cost of the meat?" The lawyer replied, "Of course, how much was the roast?" "$7.98." A few days later the butcher received a check in the mail for $7.98. Attached to it was an invoice that read: Legal Consultation Service: $150
Two lawyers were walking along negotiating a case. "Look," said one, "let's be honest with each other." "Okay, you first," replied the other. That was the end of the discussion.
A lawyer was asked if he like to become a Jehovah's Witness. He declined, as he hadn't seen the accident, but would still be interested in taking the case.
Jury(n): a collection of people banded together for the purpose of deciding who has hired the better lawyer.
Applying for a job, a new lawyer was asked if paying back his law school tuition would be any special problem. He replied that he paid it back right after his first case. When asked how he managed that, he said, "Well, my dad sued me for it and won."
A man took a trip out West after a harrowing divorce proceeding. He stopped in a bar, and after a few drinks, stated to no one in particular, "Lawyers are horses' asses." One of the locals spoke up on hearing this: "Mister, you'd better watch what you say. You're in horse country."
A physician, an engineer, and an attorney were discussing who among them belonged to the oldest of the three professions represented. The physician said, "Remember, on the sixth day God took a rib from Adam and fashioned Eve, making him the first surgeon. Therefore, medicine is the oldest profession." The engineer replied, "But, before that, God created the heavens and earth from chaos and confusion, and thus he was the first engineer. Therefore, engineering is an older profession than medicine." Then, the lawyer spoke up. "Yes," he said, "But who do you think created all of the chaos and confusion?"
Lorenzo Dow, an evangelist of the last century, was on a preaching tour when he came to a small town one cold winter's night. He entered the local general store to get some warmth, and saw the town's lawyers gathered around the pot-bellied stove, discussing the town's business. Not one offered to allow Dow into the circle. Dow told the men who he was, and that he had recently had a vision where he had been given a tour of Hell, much like the traveler in Dante's Inferno. When one of the lawyers asked him what he had seen, he replied, "Very much what I see here: all of the lawyers, gathered in the hottest place."
A young lawyer, starting up his private practice, was very anxious to impress potential clients. When he saw the first visitor to his office come through the door, he immediately picked up his phone and spoke into it," I'm sorry, but my caseload is so tremendous that I'm not going to be able to look into your problem for at least a month. I'll have to get back to you then." He then turned to the man who had just walked in, and said, "Now, what can I do for you?"
"Nothing," replied the man. "I'm here to hook up your phone."
Lawyers are safe from the threat of automation taking over their professions. No one would build a robot to do nothing.
A man went into the Chamber of Commerce of a small town, obviously desperate. He asked the man at the counter, "Is there a criminal attorney in town?" The man replied, "Yes - but we can't prove it yet."
The devil visited a lawyer's office and made him an offer. "I can arrange some things for you, " the devil said. "I'll increase your income five-fold. Your partners will love you; your clients will respect you; you'll have four months of vacation each year and live to be a hundred. All I require in return is that your wife's soul, your children's souls, and their children's souls rot in hell for eternity." The lawyer thought for a moment. "What's the catch?", he asked.
A doctor and a lawyer were attending a cocktail party when the doctor was approached by a man who asked advice on how to handle his ulcer. The doctor mumbled some medical advice, then turned to the lawyer and remarked, "I never know how to handle the situation when I'm asked for medical advice during a social function. Is it acceptable to send a bill for such advice?" The lawyer replied that it was certainly acceptable to do so.
So, the next day, the doctor sent the ulcer-stricken man a bill. The lawyer also sent one to the doctor.
An engineer, a physicist, and a lawyer were being interviewed for a position as chief executive officer of a large corporation. The engineer was interviewed first, and was asked a long list of questions, ending with "How much is two plus two?" The engineer excused himself, and made a series of measurements and calculations before returning to the board room and announcing, "Four." The physicist was next interviewed, and was asked the same questions. Again, the last question was, "How much is two plus two?" Before answering the last question, he excused himself, made for the library, and did a great deal of research. After a consultation with the United States Bureau of Standards and many calculations, he also announced, "Four." The lawyer was interviewed last, and again the final question was, "How much is two plus two?" The lawyer drew all the shades in the room, looked outside to see if anyone was there, checked the telephone for listening devices, and then whispered, "How much do you want it to be?"
An attorney passed on and found himself in Heaven, but not at all happy with his accommodations. He complained to St. Peter, who told him that his only recourse was to appeal his assignment. The attorney immediately advised that he intended to appeal, but was then told that he would be waiting at least three years before his appeal could be heard. The attorney protested that a three-year wait was unconscionable, but his words fell on deaf ears. The lawyer was then approached by the devil, who told him that he would be able to arrange an appeal to be heard in a few days, if the attorney was willing to change venue to Hell. When the attorney asked why appeals could be heard so much sooner in Hell, he was told, "We have all of the judges."
As Mr. Smith was on his death bed, he attempted to formulate a plan that would allow him to take at least some of his considerable wealth with him. He called for the three men he trusted most - his lawyer, his doctor, and his clergyman. He told them, "I'm going to give you each $30,000 in cash before I die. At my funeral, I want you to place the money in my coffin so that I can try to take it with me." All three agreed to do this and were given the money. At the funeral, each approached the coffin in turn and placed an envelope inside. While riding in the limousine back from the cemetery, the clergyman said, "I have to confess something to you fellows. Brother Smith was a good churchman all his life, and I know he would have wanted me to do this. The church needed a new baptistery very badly, and I took $10,000 of the money he gave me and bought one. I only put $20,000 in the coffin." The physician then said, "Well, since we're confiding in one another, I might as well tell you that I didn't put the full $30,000 in the coffin either. Smith had a disease that could have been diagnosed sooner if I had this very new machine, but the machine cost $20,000 and I couldn't afford it then. I used $20,000 of the money to buy the machine so that I might be able to save another patient. I know that Smith would have wanted me to do that." The lawyer then said, "I'm ashamed of both of you. When I put my envelope into that coffin, it held my personal check for the full $30,000."
A lawyer charged a man $500 for legal services. The man paid him with crisp new $100 bills. After the client left, the lawyer discovered that two bills had stuck together -- he'd been overpaid by $100. The ethical dilemma for the lawyer: Should he tell his partner?
A man walked into a lawyer's office and inquired about the lawyer's rates. "$50.00 for three questions", replied the lawyer. "Isn't that awfully steep?" asked the man. "Yes," the lawyer replied, "and what was your third question?"
A gang of robbers broke into a lawyer's club by mistake. The old legal lions gave them a fight for their lives. The gang was very happy to escape. "It ain't so bad," one crook noted. "We got out with $25 between us." "I warned you to stay clear of lawyers!", the boss screamed. "We had over $100 when we broke in!"
Did you hear about the new microwave lawyer? You spend eight minutes in his office and get billed as if you'd been there eight hours.
A law firm receptionist answered the phone the morning after the firm's senior partner had passed away unexpectedly.
"Is Mr. Smith there?" asked the client on the phone. "I'm very sorry, but Mr. Smith passed away last night," the receptionist answered. "Is Mr. Smith there?" repeated the client. The receptionist was perplexed. "Perhaps you didn't understand me I'm afraid Mr. Smith passed away last night." "Is Mr. Smith there?" asked the client again. "Madam, do you understand what I'm saying?" said the exasperated receptionist. "Mr. Smith is dead." "I understand you perfectly," the client sighed. "I just can't hear it often enough."
A Mexican bandit made a specialty of crossing the Rio Grande from time to time and robbing banks in Texas. Finally, a reward was offered for his capture, and an enterprising Texas ranger decided to track him down. After a lengthy search, he traced the bandit to his favorite cantina, snuck up behind him, put his trusty six-shooter to the bandit's head, and said, "You're under arrest. Tell me where you hid the loot or I'll blow your brains out." But the bandit didn't speak English, and the Ranger didn't speak Spanish. Fortunately, a bilingual lawyer was in the saloon and translated the Ranger's message. The terrified bandit blurted out, in Spanish, that the loot was buried under the oak tree in back of the cantina. "What did he say?" asked the Ranger. The lawyer answered, "He said 'Get lost, you turkey. You wouldn't dare shoot me.'"
A man went to a brain store to get some brain for dinner. He sees a sign remarking on the quality of professional brain offered at this particular brain store. So he asks the butcher: "How much for Engineer brain?" "3 dollars an ounce."
"How much for Doctor brain?" "4 dollars an ounce."
"How much for lawyer brain?" "100 dollars an ounce."
"100 dollars an ounce! Why is lawyer brain so expensive?"
"Do you have any idea how many lawyers you need to kill to get one ounce of brains?"
A grade school teacher was asking students what their parents did for a living. "Tim, you be first," she said. "What does your father do all day?" Tim stood up and proudly said, "He's a doctor." "That's wonderful. How about you, Sarah?" Sarah shyly stood up, scuffed her feet and said, "My father is a mailman." "Thank you, Sarah," said the teacher. "What about your father, Billy?" Billy proudly stood up and announced, "My daddy plays the piano in a whorehouse." The teacher was horrified and promptly changed the subject to geography. Later that day she went to Billy's house and rang the bell. Billy's father answered the door. The teacher repeated what his son had said and demanded an explanation. Billy's father said, "Well, I'm actually an attorney. But can I explain a thing like that to a seven-year-old?"
A lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates. To his dismay, there were thousands of people ahead of him in line to see St. Peter. To his surprise, St. Peter left his desk at the gate and came down the long line to where the lawyer was, and greeted him warmly. Then St. Peter and one of his assistants took the lawyer by the hands and guided him up to the front of the line, and into a comfortable chair by his desk. The lawyer said, "I don't mind all this attention, but what makes me so special?"
St. Peter replied, "Well, I've added up all the hours for which you billed your clients, and by my calculation you must be about 193 years old!"
A Dublin lawyer died in poverty and many barristers of the city donated to a fund for his funeral. The Lord Chief Justice of Orbury was asked to donate a shilling. "A shilling?" said the Justice, "It only takes shilling to bury an attorney? Here's a guinea; go bury 20 of 'em!"
The son of a Spanish lawyer graduated from college and was considering the future. He went to his father, who had a very large office, and asked if he might be given a desk in the corner where he could observe his father's activities. He could be introduced to his father's clients as a clerk. This way, he could decide on whether or not to become a lawyer. His father thought this to be a splendid idea, and this arrangement was set up immediately. On his son's first day at work, the first client in the morning was a rough-hewn man with calloused hands, in workman's attire, who began the conversation as follows:
"Mr. Lawyer, I work for some people named Gonzales who have a ranch on the east side of town. For many years I have tended their crops and animals, including some cows. I have raised the cows, tended them, fed them, and it has always been my understanding and belief that I was the owner of the cows. Mr. Gonzales died and his son has inherited the farm, and he believes that since the cows were raised on his ranch and fed on his hay, the cows are his. In short, we have a dispute as to the ownership of the cows." The lawyer said, "I have heard enough. I will take your case. DON'T WORRY ABOUT THE COWS!" After the tenant farmer left, the next client came in, a young, well-dressed man, clearly a member of the landed class. "My name is Gonzales. I own a farm on the east side of the town," he said. "For many years, a tenant farmer has worked for my family tending the crops and animals, including some cows. The cows have been raised on my land and fed on my hay, and I believe that they belong to me, but the tenant farmer believes that since he raised them and cared for them, they are his. In short, we have a dispute over ownership of the cows." The lawyer said, "I have heard enough. I will take your case. DON'T WORRY ABOUT THE COWS!" After the client left, the son came over to his father with a look of concern. "My father, I know nothing of the law, but it seems to me that we have a serious problem regarding these cows." "DON'T WORRY ABOUT THE COWS!" said the lawyer. "The cows will be ours!"
A lawyer had a jury trial in a very difficult business case. The client who had attended the trial was out of town when the jury came back with its decision, which was for the lawyer and his client. The lawyer immediately sent a telegram to his client, reading "Justice has triumphed!" The client wired back, "Appeal at once!"
Diogenes went to look for an honest lawyer. "How's it going?", someone asked. "Oh, not too bad", said Diogenes. "I still have my lantern."
George and Harry went out in a hot air balloon to cross the Atlantic Ocean. After 37 hours in the air, George says "Harry, we better lose some altitude so we can see where we are". Harry lets out some of the hot air in the balloon, and the balloon descends to below the cloud cover. George says, "I still can't tell where we are, lets ask that guy on the ground". So Harry yells down to the man "Hey, could you tell us where we are?" The man on the ground yells back "You're in a balloon, 100 feet up in the air". George turns to Harry and says "That man must be a lawyer". And Harry says "How can you tell?". George says "Because the advice he gave us is 100% accurate, and totally useless". That's the end of the Joke, but for you people who are still worried about George and Harry: They end up in the drink, and make the front page of the New York Times: "Balloonists Soaked by Lawyer".
A police chief, a fire chief, and a city attorney were traveling together by car to a municipal management conference in a distant city. Their car broke down in a rural area, and they were forced to seek shelter for the night at a nearby farmhouse. The farmer welcomed them in, but cautioned them that there were only two spare beds, and that one of them would have to sleep in the barn with the farm animals. After a short conference, the police chief agreed to take the barn. Shortly after retiring, a knock was heard on the door of the farmhouse. The party inside answered to find the police chief standing there, complaining that he could not sleep. There were pigs in the barn, he said, and he was reminded of the days when everyone called him a pig. The fire chief then volunteered to exchange with the police chief. A short time later, another knock was heard at the door. The fire chief complained that the cows in the barn reminded him of Mrs. O'Leary's cow that started the Chicago fire, and that every time he started to go to sleep, he started to have a fireman's worst nightmare, that of burning to death. The city attorney, in desperation for sleep, then agreed to sleep in the barn. This seemed like a good idea until a few minutes later, when another knock was heard at the door. When the occupants answered the door, there stood the very indignant cows and pigs.
For years, the young attorney had been taking vacations at a country inn. The last time he'd finally managed an affair with the innkeeper's daughter. Looking forward to an exciting few days, he dragged his suitcase up the stairs of the inn, then stopped short. There sat his lover with an infant on her lap! "Helen, why didn't you write when you learned you were pregnant?" he cried. "I would have rushed up here, we could have gotten married, and the baby would have my name!" "Well," she said, "when my folks found out about my condition, we sat up all night talking and talking, and decided it would be better to have a bastard in the family than a lawyer."
You're trapped in a room with a tiger, a rattlesnake and a lawyer. You have a gun with two bullets. What should you do?
Shoot the lawyer. Twice.
I busted a mirror the other day. That's seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.
A countryman between two lawyers is like a fish between two cats. -- Benjamin Franklin
A lawyer named Strange was shopping for a tombstone. After he had made his selection, the stonecutter asked him what inscription he would like on it. "Here lies an honest man and a lawyer," responded the lawyer. "Sorry, but I can't do that," replied the stonecutter. "In this state, it's against the law to bury two people in the same grave. However, I could put `here lies an honest lawyer'." "But that won't let people know who it is!" protested the lawyer. "Sure it will," retorted the stonecutter. "People will read it and exclaim, "That's Strange!"
A lawyer and his Czechosolvakian friend were camping in a backwoods section of Maine. Early one morning, the two went out to pick berries for their morning breakfast. As they went around the berry patch, gathering blueberries and raspberries in tremendous quantities, along came two huge bears - a male and a female. The lawyer, seeing the two bears, immediately dashed for cover. His friend, though, wasn't so lucky, and the male bear reached him and swallowed him whole. The lawyer ran back to his Mercedes, tore into town as fast has he could, and got the local backwoods sheriff. The sheriff grabbed his shotgun and dashed back to the berry patch with the lawyer. Sure enough, the two bears were still there. "He's in THAT one!" cried the lawyer, pointing to the male, while visions of lawsuits from his friend's family danced in his head. He just had to save his friend. The sheriff looked at the bears, and without batting an eye, leveled his gun, took careful aim, and shot the female. "Whatdidja do that for!" exclaimed the lawyer, "I said he was in the other!" "Exactly," replied the sheriff. "Would YOU believe a lawyer who told you the Czech was in the male?"
A man and an alligator walked into a bar. "Do you serve lawyers here?", the man asked. "Sure do," replied the bartender. "Good," said the man. "Give me a beer, and I'll have a lawyer for my 'gator."
A man woke up in a hospital bed and called for his doctor. He asked, "Give it to me straight. How long have I got?" The physician replied that he doubted that the man would survive the night. The man then said, "Call for my lawyer." When the lawyer arrived, the man asked for his physician to stand on one side of the bed, while the lawyer stood on the other. The man then laid back and closed his eyes. When he remained silent for several minutes, the physician asked what he had in mind. The man replied "Jesus died with a thief on either side. I just thought I'd check out the same way."
A lawyer and the pope were both killed in an accident. The two were in line to see St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter asked the lawyer his name and looked it up in his book. He then asked the Pope for his name, and looked it up in his book also. "Now, if you will come with me, I will show you your eternal dwellings," said St. Peter. They walked along the clouds and came to a huge mansion with all sorts of lavish trappings. St. Peter turned to the lawyer and told him this was to be his house. The Pope, knowing how important he was to the church could hardly imagine what his house would be like. St. Peter and the Pope continued on to a small, beat-up wooden shack. St. Peter told the Pope that this would be his dwelling. The Pope, shocked, said to St. Peter, "Just a minute! That other guy was a lawyer and he gets a mansion. I was the head of the Roman Catholic church, and this is all the reward I get???" St. Peter looked at the Pope and said "True, you have done great things. But we have lots of Popes in Heaven, and that guy was the first lawyer ever to make it up here."