If Gloria, Suzanne, Debra and Michelle go out for lunch, they will
call each other Gloria, Suzanne, Debra and Michelle. But if Mike,
Phil, Rob and Jack go out for a brewsky, they will affectionately
refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and Useless.
And when the check comes, Mike, Phil, Rob and Jack will each throw in
$20 bills, even though it's only for $22.50. None of them will have
anything smaller, and none will actually admit they want change back.
When the girls get their check, out come the pocket calculators.
A man has five items in his bathroom-a toothbrush, shaving cream,
razor, a bar of Dial soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn. The
average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 437. A man
would not be able to identify most of these items.
A woman makes a list of things she needs and then goes out to the
store and buys these things. A man waits till the only items left in
his fridge are half a lime and a soda. Then he goes grocery shopping.
He buys everything that looks good. By the time a man reaches the
checkout counter, his cart is packed tighter than the Clampett's car
on Beverly Hillbillies. Of course, this will not stop him from going
to the 10-items-or-less lane.
When preparing for work, a woman will put on a Mondi wool suit, then
slip on Reebok sneakers. She will carry her dress shoes in a plastic
bag from Saks. When a woman gets to work, she will put on her dress
shoes. Five minutes later, she will kick them off because her feet
are under the desk. A man will wear the same pair of shoes all day.
Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren't
looking, men kick cats.
A woman will dress up to: go shopping, water the plants, empty the
garbage, answer the phone, read a book, get the mail. A man will
dress up for: weddings, funerals.
Women do laundry every couple of days. A man will wear every article
of clothing he owns, including his surgical pants that were hip about
eight years ago, before he will do his laundry. When he is finally
out of clothes, he will wear a dirty sweatshirt inside out, rent a
U-Haul and take his mountain of clothes to the Laundromat. Men always
expect to meet beautiful women at the Laundromat. This is a myth
perpetuated by reruns of episodes of "Love, American Style."
Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about
dentist appointments and soccer games and romances and best friends
and favorite foods and secret fears and hopes and dreams. A man is
vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.