Christmas Jokes for Adults

How come you never hear anything about the 10th reindeer 'Olive'?
Olive?
Yeah, you know, "Olive the other reindeer, used to laugh and call him names..."

Why are women's breasts like a train set a kid gets at Christmas time?
Because they were originally made for children but the father wants to play with them.

Why doesn't Santa have any children?
Because he only comes once a year, and when he does, it's down the chimney.

Why is Christmas just like a day at the office?
You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.

What do the female reindeer do when Santa takes the male reindeer out on Christmas Eve?
They go into town and blow a few bucks.

Why do birds fly south for the winter?
Because it's too far to walk.

What's the difference between snowmen and snowladies?
Snowballs.

Why did the snowman have a smile on his face?
Because the snowblower was coming down the block.

Did you hear about the kid who wanted a watch for Christmas?
His parents let him.

One Christmas, I got a battery with a note saying, "toy not included".

I don't care who you are, fatso. Get the reindeer off my roof!

What do you call someone afraid to be in a small room full of fat guys with beards wearing red suits?
Santa-claustrophobic!

Who's going to be on the cover of Vanity Fair for the holidays?
Santa-Klaus Van Bulow

During the recent Karpov-Kasparov world chess championships they came to an adjournment and left for their hotel. In the lobby of the hotel several chess enthusiasts could be heard bragging, "I could beat Karpov with no problem". "Oh yeah, I could beat both of them at the same time." "That's nothing, I could beat both of them blindfolded!" Finally, the hotel manager had had enough and threw them all out of the hotel. But why?" a bystander asked. "Because," the manager replied "I hate... "chess nuts boasting by an open foyer!"

Signs That You've Hired A Bad Department Store Santa
From David Letterman

1) He's packin' heat.
2) Keeps reminiscing about his vice presidency under George Bush.
3) Whether they want it or not, gives every kid a crew cut.
4) Keeps sending his elves out for more vermouth.
5) Every day around 10 A.M., throws up on the down escalator.
6) Charges $5.95 for the first minute, $2.95 each additional minute.
7) Tries unsuccessfully to hide the fact that he's wearing handcuffs.
8) After every toy request, says "Yeah, right".
9) Tells the sales girls that "Me and Mrs. Claus have an understanding".
10) He wears the Santa costume all year round.

Top Ten Elf Pickup Lines

1) I can eat my weight in cocktail wieners.
2) You'd look great in a Raggedy Ann wig.
3) I get a thimbleful of tequila in me and I turn into a wild man.
4) No, no. I don't bake cookies. You're thinking of those dorks over at Keebler.
5) I'm a magical being. Take off your bra.
6) I have certain needs that can't be satisfied by working on toys.
7) I can get you off the naughty list.
8) I was once a lawn ornament for John Bon Jovi.
9) Just because I've got bells on my shoes doesn't mean I'm a sissy.
10) I'm down here.