Funny or Odd Answering Machine Messages

My Favorites
Caller Participation
Families and Roomates
You Have Reached
Spies and Intelligence Seekers
Gangsters and the Mob
Caller Thinks They're On The Air
Caller Thinks They Have To Pay
Resident Is Busy Doing
Screening Calls
To Confuse Caller
Messages for Burglars
Short and Sweet
I'm a Machine
Something Besides Answering Machine
Life
Conversations
Movies and TV
Comedy and Religion
Musical Theme
Politics
For Adults Only!
Plain Old Miscellaneous
Messages To Leave on Other Answering Machines

My Favorites

Hello. You are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages. My owners do not need siding, windows, or a hot tub, and their carpets are clean. They give to charity through the office and don't need their picture taken. If you're still with me, leave your name and number and they will get back to you.

Hi, you've reached the home of Harry. If you are calling to collect a student loan, gambling debt, or other obligation, please press 1 and hang up now. If you are selling any product or service, or requesting charitable donations, please press 2 and hang up now. Otherwise, press 3 and leave your message now. Pressing 3 is optional.

This is not an answering machine -- this is a telepathic thought-recording device. After the tone, think about your name, your reason for calling, and a number where I can reach you, and I'll think about returning your call.

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Caller Participation

Thank you for calling 434-2322. If you wish to speak to Harry, push 1 on your touch tone phone now. If you wish to speak to Joe, push 2 on your touch tone phone now. If you have a wrong number, push 3 on your touch tone phone now. All of this button pushing doesn't do anything, but it is a good way to work off anger, and it makes us feel like we have a big time phone system.

(Very fast:) Hi, this is 904-4344. If you want to leave a message, please wait for the tone. If you want to leave your name and number, please press pound, press 3, then dial your name, then press 6 and dial your number. If you want to leave your name and just a message, press star, press 6, ask for extension 4443, then leave your name and message. If you want to leave your number and the time you called, please press star twice, spin in a circle, press 1 twice, talk loud and BEEP

Leave a message or I'll send 30,000 volts through your phone. I am an electrical engineer. I can do that.

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Families and Roomates

(Start, low pitch, slow:) Hhhhheeelllllloooooo thheeeerrrrrrre evvvvveerrrryyyboooodyyyy... (Middle, normal:) ...home of Harry, Joe, Tootie, and Helen. Nobody's home... (Later, high pitch, fast:) ..liketoleaveamessageafterthetonethen... (End, incomprehensible chipmunk gibberish:) ..kkfjdkeirucjkljfklreudjfkleqBEEP

Hello, this is the Smith residence. We're in the middle of a family fight right now. Leave your name and number at the beep and whoever wins will call you right back.

Harry: Hello. Harry and Joe aren't here right now, but if...
Joe: Harry, what are you doing?
Harry: I'm leaving a phone message since we aren't here.
Matt: But you left the last one -- it's my turn.
Harry: No, I'm sure it's my turn.
Matt: No, you're wrong. It's definitely my turn.
Harry: You fool, I know it's... Wait... Joe... What are you doing with that frying pan? (BONK... THUD)
Matt: Harry is out right now, so please leave your name and number.

Harry: Hi, you've reached Bob and Faisal's room.
Joe: (Background:) What are you doing?
Harry: I'm recording an answering machine message.
Joe: But we're here right now.
Harry: But we might not be here later.
Joe: Oh. (To phone:) Leave a message.

This is Harry. We are not... excuse me a moment, please. Put your sister down. PUT YOUR SISTER DOWN! (Sound of window breaking.) Great! What a mess. I'll have to get back to you later.

(Whole family crowds around, including screaming babies and noisy pets; to the tune of "Frere Jacques":) We're not here now, We're not here now, Don't hang up, Don't hang up, Leave your name and number, Leave your name and number, We'll call back, We'll call back.

Hi!! You've reached Janet and Chris's room. We're not in right now. If this is our parents, we're at the library studying. Yeah, yeah, that's it, that's the ticket. If this is Joe, Harry is out with the girls at the party. Yeah, that's it. If this is any one else, we're at a party and you're not. Yeah, a party with the president. Yeah and the... Pope. Yeah that's it.

You've reached Harry and Joe's answering machine. They're not home right now. At least, I don't think they are. Hang on.(Voice moves away from recording microphone.) Harry? Joe? (Voice comes back.) Nope, they're not here, so at the beep...

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You Have Reached...

(With strong east Indian accent:) Hello, you have reached the existential hotline of Ransheesh. I am currently meditating, but if you leave your name and which lifeline you are currently inhabiting at the sound of the Om, I will send good karma waves and contact you when the stars align properly.

Andy Warhol said that one day everyone will be famous for 15 minutes. Well, your 15 minutes was last week, but since you weren't ready, we gave it to Vanna White. Sorry.

(Noble, aristocratic voice:) Yes, one million dollars COULD be yours, IF you leave your name, telephone number, and the reason WHY you want to join the ranks of The Rich and Famous! If this is Ross Perot, Bill Gates, Michael Jordan, or Princess Di, just leave your VISA number and expiration date, and we will definitely get back to you!

Hi, I am Chevy Chase's answering machine and you're NOT.

Hello, this is your local zoo. Do you like animals? We are experiencing severe problems with hot water. Would you be so kind as to allow us to bring our elephants over to your bathroom for a shower? (The most common response: "Well, sure, but my neighbor's bathroom is bigger and better equipped to handle elephants.")

Thank you for calling the CSU Automated Hearing Test Line. Prepare for Test 1. Is this tone louder in your left ear or right ear? ... BEEP

You have reached 843-4734. Please hold while I process your call. (Pause.) Our extremely sophisticated computer system performed a trace on your number and was able to match it with our list of important callers. None of our staff is authorized to speak with you except for Harry, who is not here right now. Please leave your name phone number and a brief message at the tone. Thank you for calling and have a nice day.

Hello, and welcome to Answering Machines of the Rich and Famous! Harry can't come to the phone right now because he's spending the week in his beautiful summer home on the French Riviera.

Thank you for calling Soviet Embassy. No KG... Er, no diplomats are able to answer phone, so at sound of capitalist tone, leave name, telephone number, and short description of secrets you wish to sell.

Hello. This is Nonoxynol-9, the personal and private telephone number of Mikhail Vladivostok Gorbachev, General Secretary of the Supreme Council of the glorious Communist Party of the Union of Sovjet Socialist Republics, Commander-In-Chief of the Combined Armies of the Proletariat Peoples of Russia, First Citizen of the Order of Lenin, Supreme Patron of the Soviet Institute of Literature and Domestic Sciences, President of the Soviet People's Council of Peace and Happiness and Captain of the Kremlin B Squash Team. But hey, call me Harry. The President is not in his office at this time. Please leave your name, phone number, the name of the country you wish to invade, and the secret password.

(Militaristic mechanical voice:) FOXTROT-LIMA-ALPHA-SIERRA-HOTEL. KEY-DESTRUCT-SEQUENCE-NOW. THIS-TERMINAL-ALSO-ACCEPTS-VOICE-MESSAGES.

You have reached the Strategic Air Command Nuclear Missile Storage Facility. We are unable to come to the phone right now. At the tone, please leave your name, number, and target or list of targets, and we'll launch as soon as we can. And have a nice day.

You just dialed into the North American Air Defense Contract Center. Stand by at the tone to give coordinates and destination of incoming bogey. TNR Surveillance will scramble. If you do not respond, this unit will assume incoming, non-urgent.

(In Joe Friday voice:) This is Constable Augie of the Canadian Security and Intelligence Service. The phone line you have just dialed is currently under investigation on a warrant issued by the Attorney General of Canada. To facilitate our investigation, we would appreciate you leaving your name, number, a brief message, and any affiliations you may have made now, or in the past, with communist or terrorist organizations. Thank you.

Vancouver Coast Guard, may I help you. (Caller thinks they dialed long distance.)

Thanks for calling Dial-An-Asshole. Right now, all our assholes are busy. After the tone, leave your name and number, and we'll have an asshole return your call as soon as possible.

This is the Literacy Self Test Hotline. After the tone, leave your name and number, and recite a sentence using today's vocabulary word. Today's word is "supercilious".

You have reached the Suicide Prevention Hotline. All our lines are busy now, but if you leave your name and number, someone will get back to you as soon as possible.

Greetings, you have reached the Sixth Sense Detective Agency. We know how you are and what you want, so at the sound of the tone, please hang up.

Thank you for calling Uncle Harry's Mortuary and Delicatessen. You stab 'em and we slab 'em. We have specials on Mondays and Thursdays. We are currently unable to come to the phone, but if you leave your number and address at the tone, we'll be by to pick up the corpse as soon as possible.

Thank you for phoning the Save the Sasquatch Hotline. Our operators do not exist at the moment, but if you wish to make a contribution, please leave your name, number, and the amount of your bequest at the sound of the beep, and something will get back to you shortly. Your help will enable us to bring these delightful creatures back from the brink of fantasy and find them suitable positions in the forest product industry. Your gift is, of course, reality deductible. Thank you again, and have a nice day.

Hello! This is 1-800-PRESLEY. Yes! 1-800-PRESLEY! They say the King died 10 years ago, but we know he's still out there somewhere. So... Leave your name and number and tell us where YOU saw Elvis!

Hi, dudes, this is 229-3053, the Teenage Mutant Hero Turtles' secret underground hideaway. I'm afraid we're all out just now on a desperate mission to save the Planet from boring answering machine messages, but if you know what The Shredder has done to April O'Neill, or if you know where he is, or if you can think of a decent pizza recipe, just leave your name and number and we'll ring you right back. But don't say anything yet! Enemy agents may be listening. When the computer has checked they're not eavesdropping, it will make a bleeping noise and you can speak freely.

Sherwood Forest. Which dear do you want?

Thanks for calling Dial-A-Shrink. I can't come to the phone right now, so after the tone, please leave your name and number, then talk briefly about your childhood and tell me what comes to mind when you hear the following words: orange... mother... unicorn... penis. I'll get back to you with my diagnosis as soon as possible.

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Spies and Intelligence Seekers

(Annoying flute music in background:) Good day, Jim. Your contact, Harry, is not available right now. Your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to leave your name, number, and a brief message at the tone. This tape will self-destruct in thirty seconds. Good Luck, Jim.

This is Harry's answering machine. Please leave your name and number, and after I've doctored the tape, your message will implicate you in a federal crime and be brought to the attention of the FBI.

You have reached the CPX-2000 Voice Blackmail System. Your voice patterns are now being digitally encoded and stored for later use. Once this is done, our computers will be able to use the sound of YOUR voice for literally thousands of illegal and immoral purposes. There is no charge for this initial consultation. However our staff of professional extortionists will contact you in the near future to further explain the benefits of our service, and to arrange for your schedule of payment. Remember to speak clearly at the sound of the tone. Thank you.

Please leave a message. However, you have the right to remain silent. Everything you say will be recorded and will be used by us.

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Gangsters and the Mob

E'llo. My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Leave your name and number, and prepare to die.

(Italian Mafia-style voice:) I can't come to the phone right now. Me and Guido are trying to stuff a body in the trunk. I think we're going to have to size it a little... (Aside:) HEY GUIDO! GET THE CHAINSAW! Anyways, leave your name and a message. If I like it, you'll hear from me. If not, you'll hear from Guido! (Laughter.)

(Thug voice:) Uh, hello, Harry and Tootie aren't here right now. They've been kidnapped! So at the beep, leave your name, your number, your message, and ten thousand dollars in a brown paper bag.

Shhh! Don't talk, just listen! Meet me at the corner of Broad and Main and bring the girl. (CLICK)

After the tone, leave your name, number, and tell where you left the money. I'll get back to you as soon as it's safe for you to come out of hiding.

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Caller Thinks They're On The Air!

Hello, this is KVKE, you're on the air. (or) Hello, you're caller number nine!

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Caller Thinks They Have To Pay For This Call

You are listening to 91.5 FM, KXQK. This is the Canadian Broadcorping Castration. I am your host, Harry, and I will be with you for the next 20 seconds. After that we'll play your requests. Leave yours with us, and we'll try to fit it in, given programming constraints. Thank you for listening to our show.

Next on Public Radio 91 we'll be hearing music of Antonin Dvorak. This is the Beep Serenade in C-Sharp Minor, Opus 72...

My time is billed at $125 per hour. Please begin your message with your MasterCard or Visa number, card type, and date of expiration. I'll get back to you pending credit approval.

Hi, this is Harry. Welcome to my Fun Phone Line, where you can talk to my answering machine for only $0.95 per minute! Please leave your credit card number at the tone...

Hi, this is Harry. Thanks for calling during my spring pledge drive. A basic membership is only $30, and a $60 pledge gets you an "I love Jim Shea" T-shirt. Please wait for the tone, and thank you for your pledge.

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Resident Is Busy Doing...

These words are lovely dark and deep But I've got promises to keep and miles to go before I sleep So leave a message at the beep.

Now I lay me down to sleep; Leave a message at the beep. If I die before I wake, Remember to erase the tape.

Harry has been captured by a flying saucer and can't come to the phone right now, but if you leave your name, phone number, and a message, I'll have him call you back as soon as he gets away. Read all about it in next week's National Enquirer.

Hello, this is Harry. Unfortunately I can't answer the phone right now because I've just come back from the Mirror Worlds and I'm still made up of antimatter, so if I were to pick up the phone right now, the resulting energy release would make Hiroshima look like a wet firecracker. So leave a message at the tone and I'll get back to you as soon as my component particles have been restored to their normal charges.

(Automatic gunfire, explosions, rockets, jets; agitated voice:) I'm pinned down and can't come to the phone right now, and Bob's handling supporting fire! Leave your name and number, and a message! We'll get back to you as soon... FIRE IN THE HOLE! (BOOM!) We'll get back to you as soon as the air cover napalms the place!

(Frantic violin music:) Hello. You have reached 435-3949. We are currently unable to answer because we are either chasing, or being chased by, bats. Please leave a message.

(In a good Australian accent:) G'day mate. Can't come to the phone now because I'm a bit tied up with this crocodile. Just leave a message, and I'll get back to you.

Hello. I'm home right now but cannot find the phone. Please leave a message and I will call you up as soon as I find it.

I can't come to the phone now because I have amnesia and I feel stupid talking to people I don't remember. I'd appreciate it if you could help me out by leaving my name and telling me something about myself. Thanks.

I can't come to the phone now because alien beings are eating my brain. Leave a message anyway, and after the alien beings assume my shape, one of them will get back to you.

I'm unable to take your call in person because I'm having an out-of-the-body experience. In fact I'm standing right behind you and I can hear everything you say. But leave me a message anyway to help me reconnect when I get back.

Harry is reassembling Elvis' brain and can't come to the phone right now, but if you leave your name...

Hi, this is Harry. Sorry I can't take your call but I'm playing my guitar too loud to hear the phone ring. Please leave me a message and I'll call you back at the end of Van Halen-1.

I can't come to the phone right now because I'm down in the basement printing up a fresh new batch of twenty dollar bills. If you need any money, or if you just want to check out my handiwork, please leave your name, number, and how much cash you need after the tone. If you're from the Department of the Treasury, please ignore this message.

We're not in cause we're out LOOTING! Leave a message and we'll call you back and tell you what we got.

Hello! I'm on a four state killing spree! WATTA YA WANT?

Hi, I'm not home because I've gone on a BLOODY RAMPAGE! When I get home, and CLEAN OFF THE BLOOD, I'll be sure to give you a call. If I haven't ALREADY COME OVER, that is. (Coughing loony laughter.)

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Screening Calls

I can't come to the phone now, so if, well, actually, I CAN come to the phone now, I mean, like, I'm at the phone NOW, recording this message, but I'm doing this NOW, while you're listening to it LATER, except for you I guess it's NOW, like, when you're listening to it... I mean, like, wait, gosh. This is so confusing.

Hi. This is Harry. I've shut the ringers off on my phones and taken a sedative. As soon as I finish this recording I'm going to bed indefinitely. When I wake up I'll play my messages. Please leave one.

Hi. I'm probably home, I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you.

Hi there. This is Harry speaking. I'm home right now, and in a moment, I'll have a decision to make. Leave your name and number and I'll be thinking about it...

Harry here. I'm home right now, I'm just screening my calls. So start talking and if you're someone I want to speak with I'll pick up the phone. Otherwise, well, what can I say?

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To Confuse Caller

Random fact number 10: The first manned mission to Jupiter will be crewed by the Smiths. Random fact number 64: Dairy Queen discovered cold temperature fusion before the bums in Utah. Random fact number 36: Harry's not here and he wants you leave a message. Random fact number 22: Bismarck is the capital of North Dakota.

(Oriental voice:) Hello, you have reached honorable Chan's residence. I, Kato, will go and get honorable Chan. (Godzilla scream.) Oh no! Godzilla coming! Please leave name and number at gong and Chan will call back if house still here.

I'm not at home today, and I might not be home tomorrow. So please leave a message after the tone. I didn't take a shower today, and I might not take one tomorrow. So if you don't leave a message after the tone, you might have to deal with me in person.

This answering machine message is for all you psychics out there... (Long silence...) BEEP

Hello, this is Harry's voice. Harry's not here right now -- hey, haven't you ever lost YOUR voice? Well, believe you me, when I find him again, I'll have a few choice words for him. If you do too, leave them after the beep.

I don't exist at the moment, but if you leave your message, name and number, I'll call you back when I am...

OK, one more time... This is our answering machine... This is the message on our answering machine... Any questions?

(Classical music:) This is our answering machine. (Switch to heavy metal racket:) This is our answering machine on drugs. (Silence...) Any message?

We're sorry. You have reached an imaginary number. Please rotate your phone 90 degrees and try again.

Hi, you've reached 340-2359. We're not peeb eht retfa egassem ruoy evael esaelp os ,won thgir emoh. gnillac rof uoy knahT.

This is Harry. Leave me a message at the beep. (beep) Whoops, I bet you couldn't hear that. Lemme try again. (Beep) Nuts, once more with feeling...

(A busy signal.)

(Recorded directly from AT&T:) We're sorry, but the number you dialed is disconnected or no longer in service.

The number you have reached, 226-0477, has been changed. The new number is 226-0477. (Yes, same number.) Please make a note of it.

The party you dialed is not available. Your call is being diverted to an alternate number. Please stand by... (Ring...) The number you dialed must be dialed by your 0 operator. (Click, beep, dial tone.)

Hello. (Pause.) Hello? (Pause.) Hello! (Pause.) No, it doesn't look as if I'm in right now. Maybe you should leave a message or call me back later.

Hello. All of our operators are busy right now, but if you'll leave your name, telephone number, a brief message, and the time you called, we'll get back to you as soon as possible. Thank you and have a pleasant day. (This can dissuade prank and sales callers who don't know it's really a private line.)

Creamed asparagus! BEEP

All our answering machines are busy. Please hold. (Pause.) All our answering machines are... (CLICK) This is the answering machine of...

(Pick up the phone and say:) This is Harry. I'm not here right now. Leave me a message. BEEP. (Then listen.)

This is Chris. Harry and Joe aren't here right now, but if you leave a message, they'll get back to you as soon as they can. But I won't be calling.

Hello, this is Chris. I don't live here, so if you were trying to call me, you've dialed the wrong number. On the other hand, if you were trying to call Harry, Joe, or Tootie, please leave your name and number at the tone. I don't guarantee that one of them will call you back -- only that I won't.

I just got a car phone. I'm not here at the moment. Leave me a message and I'll call you when I'm out.

This is Harry, you're not in now, so I'll leave a message.

Hi, can I speak to Harry?... Oh, there isn't?... I'm sorry, I must have dialed the wrong number.

Wrong number? No sweat, I was going to pick up the phone anyway.

(Deadpan voice:) Hi, This is Harry. Please leave a message as soon as possible and I'll get bac u at the sound of the tone.

Hello, this is Harry. I'm not home right now, but I can take a message. Hang on a second while I get a pencil. (Open a drawer and shuffle stuff around.) OK, what would you like me to tell me?

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Burglars

(Noisy pick-up of phone.) Hi, I'm a burglar and I was just about to steal Harry's answering machine. If you give me your name and number I'll... Uh, I'll post it on the fridge where he'll see it. Uh... By the way, where did you say you live?

If you are a burglar, then we're probably at home cleaning our weapons right now and can't come to the phone. Otherwise, we probably aren't at home and it's safe to leave us a message.

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Short and Sweet

I'm gone.

(Klingon voice:) ANSWERING MACHINE. SPEAK.

This is Harry. Talk to me.

You have reached 555-6238. Why?

This is you-know who. We are you-know-where. Leave your you-know-what you-know-when.

You have reached 234-1243. This is an answering machine. This is the nineties. You know what to do.

You have reached the number you have dialed. Please leave a message after the beep.

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I'm a Machine

Hello. I'm Harry's answering machine. What are you?

Hi, this is Harry's answering machine. He's not here, but I'm open to suggestions.

Harry's not home now. This is his domestic droid speaking. I'm not programmed to answer the phone, so just leave a message, and Lindsey will get back to you as soon as possible.

(Kazoo band playing "Thus Spake Zarathustra":) Thinking you were making an ordinary phone call, you have instead reached... (TA-DAAAAA!) the ANSWERING MACHINE! Leave your name and number, and we will get back to you as soon as we can.

(After a power outage:) Hi, this is Harry. The good news is that my power is back on. The bad news for you is, so is my answering machine. So, leave a message.

I don't want to bore you with metaphysics, but how do you know this is an answering machine? Maybe it's a dream, or maybe it's an illusion, or maybe YOU don't really exist. One way to find out is to leave a message, and if it's reality, I will call you back.

In Japan, the hand can be used like a knife. (Heeeeee-YAH! Sound of smashing box of kleenex.) But this method doesn't work with a telephone call... (Dial tone.) Introducing the all-new Ginsu answering machine! It cuts, it chops, it slices, it dices your incoming calls! How much would you pay? Don't answer, because if you leave your name and number when you hear the tone, we'll throw in a return phone call ABSOLUTELY FREE!

Hi, this is Harry's answering machine again. He's gone and left me for a sleazy microwave he met at Krazy Eddy's. Life sucks.

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Something Besides Answering Machine is Answering the Phone

Hi! Harry's answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets.

Hello, this is Harry's toaster. Harry's new answering machine is in the shop for repairs, so please leave your message when the toast is done... (Cachunk!)

Hello, this is Harry's microwave. His answering machine just eloped with his tape deck, so I'm stuck taking his calls. Say, if you want anything cooked while you leave your message, just hold it up to the phone.

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Life

Hello. This is Harry's answering machine, Joe, and I'm SO depressed. I have 50,000 times the memory capacity of my owner, but all I get to do is answer the phone. Life. Don't talk to me about life. Just leave your name and number after the beep. Here comes the beep, God how I hate that beep, it's so cheery sounding.

Being reincarnated as an answering machine is the pits. Keep your karma clean by leaving your name, number, message, and the time that you called.

Hello, this is Harry's answering machine reminding you that yesterday was the last day of the previous period of your life. After the beep you can tell me how it was, or leave some other, informative message. Thanks.

(Classical music in background, slow stoned voice:) Don't you ever wonder what life would be like? ...

Hi. Do you ever feel, like, your head is full of sand, not your regular loose sand mind you, but compacted sand, and there were like, I dunno, bugs or something jumping up and down on the compacted sand? Well, sometimes I do. Bye.

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Conversations

(Computer generated voices:)
1: Hello, there are no real people here to answer the phone right now.
2: Yeah, nobody but us machines!
1: Right, just us machines, but don't hang up! If you like, you can leave your name and telephone number...
2: ...and a message! You forgot about the message!
1: Right. Leave your name, telephone number, and a brief message after you hear the beep, and we will keep track of this stuff until the real people get back.
2: ...unless of course, sombody pulls out our plug!

Harry: I didn't expect an answering machine.
Joe: Nobody expects an answering machine.
Harry: Our chief use is to get your name. And your phone number.
Joe: Our two chief uses are to get your name and your phone number.
Harry: And message. Damn.
Joe: Our three uses are to get your name, phone number, and message.
Harry: And time you called.
Joe: Oh, damn, we'll have to start over.
Harry: No time for that, so just wait for the beep.

Bullwinkle: Hey, Rocky, somebody called while we weren't home. Watch me pull their message out of this machine!
Rocky: Again?
Bullwinkle: Nuthin' up my sleeve... PRESTO! (Sound of vicious dog barking, stops abruptly.)
Bullwinkle: Must have been a wrong number.
Rocky: Here's a chance for you to REALLY leave your message.

(Recorded during a party:) HUB-BUB-HUB-BUB-HUB-BUB-HUB-BUB-HUB-HUB-BUB-HUB-BUB-HUB-BUB-HUB Harry: yeah!! we're having a party!! come on over! Brad: Harry's not home right now!! Look out! Joe: Hey what are you doing? Careful it might spill. Tootie: Was that the phone ringing? (A friend was at a mutual friend's sister's house, and when she went out for beer, he changed her answering machine message. In a loud, deep, gravelly, horror-film voice he recorded:) Hi, this is Katy. I'm not myself right now. If you leave your name and number, I'll get back to you when I'm feeling better.

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Movies and TV

(Darth Vader voice:) Speak, worm!

Bridge, Kirk here.

Starship Enterprise, Uhura here, can you hold please? Captain, there is a transmission coming in on hailing frequency seven, do you want it on screen?

(Star Trek theme in the background:)
Harry: Room 17, the final frontier.
Joe: These are the messages of Harry's answering machine. Its two semester mission: To seek out your name and your telephone number.
Harry: To boldly inform you to wait for the tone.

WE ARE BORG. RESISTANCE IS FUTILE. YOU WILL BE ASSIMILATED. But we're not home right now. So leave a message at the tone, and we'll assimilate you later.

Alpha Centauri Space Station. Commander Harry can't come to the phone right now. He's either saving the universe from some dread, unnamed peril, or perhaps taking a nappie. Leave your name and number after the beep and he will return your call.

A bubble in the space-time continuum has connected your line to a channeler in the 23rd century. Any message you leave will be broadcast into the future.

You have reached the offices of the planet Zarton. All our agents are busy undermining the governments of the Earth and cannot come to phone at the moment. However, your name and number can be left at the tone and a representative will gladly contact you shortly to arrange for your assimilation into the new order. Long groblint the ultimate blenstron.

Harry: Answer the phone, please, Hal.
Joe: I'm sorry, Dave, I can't do that.

(Rod Serling imitation:) You're dazed, bewildered, trapped in a world without time, where sound collides with color and shadows explode. You see a signpost up ahead -- this is no ordinary telephone answering device... You have reached, "The Twilight Phone".

This is Walter Cronkite. Harry's not here right now. He's out on a date. The idea of Harry entertaining a girl with his basketball theories and computer knowledge over dinner at Taco Bell should scare the hell out of you. He'll probably be home soon, so leave your name and number and he'll call you back. Deal with it.

(Imitating Mr. Rogers:) Hello. I'm in the Neighborhood of Make Believe right now, so I can't come to the phone. Can you leave your name and number when you hear the sound of the tone? Sure... I knew you could.

Kemosabe no in tipi now. You leave'um message after little smoke signal, and Kemosabe get back for pow-wow real fast.

Hello, this is Rip van Winkle. I'm not awake to take your call right now. Please leave your message at the sound of the snore.

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Comedy and Religion

(Sinister organ music:) Hello, you have reached the Smith residence. You now have two choices. Number one, you may leave a message. (Angelic "Hallelujah!") Or number two, suffer eternal damnation. (Horrid death scream.) You decide.

(In a bored voice:) Heaven, God speaking... Hello, epicenter of the Universe, God speaking. If you leave your name, number, and prayer after the tone, I will call you back as soon as I can. Please note that I answer all prayers, but sometimes the answer is NO. Bless you, my child, and have a nice day.

Lucifer speaking. Who in hell do you want?

Hello, this is Death. I am not in right now, but if you leave your name and number, I'll be right with you.

Thank you for calling the Confessional Hotline. Father Harry's not here right now, but if you'll leave your name, number, and confession at the tone, he'll get back to you with absolution as soon as possible. And remember, confession doesn't count unless you confess all of your sins in vivid, graphic detail!

Thank you for calling the Metropolitan Church of the Holy Bible. Today's commandment is Number 6, Thou shalt not... er... Bear a... er... Shalt not witness thy... uh... Neighbor's ass, Oh, I mean, false... er... Shalt not commit a bear... Dern...

(Play Gregorian chants in the background:) Hello Brother or Sister. You have reached the Cubicals of Harry, Joe, and Tootie. We are in vespers and thus unable to answer your call, but if you will leave your name, number, and a brief message, we will consider breaking our vow of silence and returning your call. Please speak loudly, clearly, and in tongues.

Thank you for calling the Satanic Hotline. All of our operators are busy at the moment. If you would like, leave a brief message after the tone, and someone will get back to you... When hell freezes over.

(Operatic music like Rossini's "Stabbat Matter":) Hi, you've reached Hell. (Screams in the background.) We're busy being cleaned by the light of eternal truth right now, so if you leave your name, number, and a brief message, we'll get back to you at the end of time.

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Musical Theme

This is a test. This is a test of the Answering Machine Broadcast System. This is only a test.

(Sung to the tune of "Ride of the Valkyries":) Leave a message... Leave a message...

(To the tune of "Heartbreak Hotel" with appropriate music:) I just left home baby, I'll be out fer a spell, and if you don't leave a message baby, you can go to BEEP

(Pink Floyd's "Nobody Home":) You have reached 587-8783. Please leave a message. ("Ohhhhhhhhh, babe... When I pick up the phone... There's still... Nobody home.")

(Jimmy Buffett's "This Hotel Room:") "I ain't home, I ain't home, you better leave a message 'cause I ain't home."

(To the tune of "Smells Like Teen Spirit" by Nirvana:) Hello, Hello, Hello, Hello, Hello, Hello, No one's here, No one's home, Leave a message, At the tone. Don't feel stupid, Its no big fuss, Leave a message, You can reach us.

Hello, this is the Computer Music Research Institute of Portland, Oregon. We can't take your call at the moment, but we would like you to leave a critique of one of our current works in progress. BEEP

(Theme from "Raiders of the Lost Ark" in the background:) You've reached the residence of John and Tom. We can't come to the phone right now, because we're cleaning the refrigerator. Please leave your name and number, and we'll get back to you.

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Politics

Hello. I can't come to the phone now because -- HEY, GEORGE! DON'T STAND ON THAT! ...Goddamn... Because I've invited George and Barbara Bush over... (Loud music cuts in:) BARBARA! HEY! DON'T FUCK WITH THAT! ...Over for dinner. After the tone... BARBARA, CALL YOUR DOG... MILLIE! DOWN GIRL! ...Shit... Leave a message after the tone...

(To scare off annoying liberals:) Hello, and thank you for calling the Bush in 50 Campaign. Your five dollar donation to get George Bush re-elected in all 50 states will automatically be charged to your phone bill. If you would like to leave a message...

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For Adults Only!

I can't come to the phone now, so... Hey -- that's a nice phone you have there. Hey sugar, you call this number often? I bet you have answering machines bothering you all the time... Yes indeedy. Why don't you give me a call sometime and we can listen to some old recordings... I might even play my beep for you.

(Ominous electronic background music:) In honor of Halloween, I'm about to perform an unspeakable pagan ritual. So please leave a message. Unless you're a virgin, in which case, why don't you stop by? SINT MIHI DEI ACHERONTIS PROPITII...

Ahhhhhhhhh... ahhhhhhhhhh... (Heavy breathing sounds, like an obscene phone call.) Oh, nuts, YOU called ME! Sorry. Never mind. Leave your name and number at the beep.

(On a male's answering machine, otherwise reverse genders:) BEEP. (Female voice:) Hi Tony, this is Sheila. I can't stop thinking about you. When can we get together? I want to grab you and undress you and then BEEP

Dear Caller: As I'm leaving you this message, the sun is shining for a change. Little children are cavorting in the park, and their tasty mothers and teenage sisters are sunbathing practically nude. So, did you really think I was going to stick around this dump?

Hi, you've reached 1-900-CALL-HARRY, my personal message line where you can talk to me, Harry. I'll tell you all about how I'm suffering in between sports seasons and about my part time hobby of being a power forward for the Portland Trailblazers. I'll tell my deepest secrets, such as my desire to be kidnapped by short blonde sorority girls wearing short jean skirts, and you can decide whether or not I'm wearing pants. Selected callers will get to talk to me live. Since you're not one of them, leave your own personal secret at the beep.

This is Dr. Ruth, Sexually Speaking, you're on the air...

(Sultry female voice:) Welcome to Tootie's Message Parlor of Delights. We would be delighted if you would leave your name, number, and of course a message that doesn't rub us the wrong way...

Greetings. You've reached Ghengis Kahn's Pornographic Films Unlimited. Fabian, Pat, Rex and Mike are still conducting screen tests with potential leading ladies to star opposite the late John Holmes in our upcoming feature film, "It's Not the Size That Counts but Whether or Not You're Alive to Use It." If you're interested in a screen test, or even if you're not, please leave us your name, age, phone number, measurements, cup size, a brief summary of your work experience, both off and on the screen, and a brief summary of your favorite fantasy involving four men, a pair of handcuffs, and a tub of Cool Whip. Thank you for calling.

You've reached the B&D Hotline. All our operators are tied up right now, so if you leave a name, number, a list of transgressions, and bark like a dog, we'll get right back to you with your penance.

(In the background can be heard springs creaking and various moans; husky, soft female voice is best:) Hi... You've just reached Tootie's Pleasure Palace. We're all busy as I'm sure you can tell, but when we're done... we'll get back to you in whatever way we can.

Thank you for calling Harry's House of Love. All of our customer service representatives are, er... busy servicing customers, so at the sound of the erotic tone, leave your name, number, and a short description of whatever turns you on...

My wife and I can't come to the phone right now, but if you'll leave your name and number, we'll get back to you as soon as we're finished.

Hello, you've reached Harry and Tootie. We can't pick up the phone right now, because we're doing something we really enjoy. Tootie likes doing it up and down, and I like doing it left to right... real slowly. So leave a message, and when we're done brushing our teeth we'll get back to you.

Please leave your name, phone number, the time you called, and your favorite color of underwear. We'll get back to you if we like the color.

(Woman, seductively:) Hi, I'm Tootie. You know, it can be really lonely when you're a fashion model. Sometimes I just have to... (Interrupting:) Oh come on Tootie, give me the damn phone... (Ask them to leave a message.)

Oooooommmmmmmmmmm... (heavy panting and breathing in the background), Oh! Sorry, I can't come (Oh! Yes! Do it to me) to the (Oh!) phone right now (pant pant), leave your name and number at the (scream) (I'm gonna come!) orgasm.

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Plain Old Miscellaneous

Hi, this is Harry. I'm sorry I can't answer the phone right now. Leave a message, and then wait by your phone until I call you back.

You're growing tired. Your eyelids are getting heavy. You feel very sleepy now. You are gradually losing your willpower and your ability to resist suggestions. When you hear the tone you will feel helplessly compelled to leave your name, number, and a message.

As the drugs take hold, you feel you are losing your grip on reality. You begin to hallucinate. You see a telephone... The telephone is next to an answering machine... You hear a faint click and a light flashes on the answering machine... You hear a beep...

I'm only here in spirit at the moment, but if you'll leave your name and number, I will get back to you as soon as I'm here in person.

(Drunken voice:) You have reached Bob's hotline. We are not able to respond due to uninevitable circumcisions. But if you leave your name and noomber, we won't be in wonder... pa-a-a-a!

Knock, knock. (Pause. Caller thinks, "Who's there?") Isn't that *my* question? (Pause.) Please leave a message...

(For Shakespeare lovers only:) So long as phones can ring and eyes can see, So leave a message, and I'll get back to thee.

This is 234-3249, and no, it's not Pete's Pizzaria. It's not the Credit Union either, and no one named Harry lives here. You can leave a message though.

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Messages To Leave on Other Answering Machines

(And here's a way to befuddle the *callee* rather than the caller: Record someone's answering machine message as you hear it, and then play it back to them as your message to them. Repeat over time until something interesting happens.)

(Another way to befuddle the callee; leave a message like this: "Hello. This is a message for, message for, message for, message for," and then hang up.)

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